Early medical abortion - my biggest regret & an image that'll be with me always
Ok here goes. (I was 22 at the time) In April 2008, I started having a casual fling with a guy that lived near me. We both knew it was only ever going to be casual as he was already with someone, and I knew his reputation as a bit of a ladies man.
Things were going fine, until one morning (about 2 days after I saw him) I felt odd. I can't even explain it, I just knew then that I was pregnant.
10 tests all positive
I didn't want to believe it. I went out and must have done about 10 tests all positive!
I was terrified and cried to my friends who all said they would be there no matter what.
At that point I didn't know what I was going to do, as up until then I had always said that I would never consider an abortion because of my own beliefs, but now I didn't know what to think or feel.
I was too scared to tell my parents, so I kept it between me and a couple of friends.
I had already got an appointment booked at the doctors as I had been suffering with a bad chest (because I had been ill my body rejected the pill I was on).
An early medical abortion
At just over a week pregnant I went to the doctors and she gave me a leaflet for bpas (british pregnancy advisory service) and explained because I was only just pregnant I could have an early medical abortion where you take tablets that induces a miscarriage.
I came away from the doctors still not a clue what to do, but I knew I had to tell the father, even though I knew what his reaction would be as he already had a child who he never saw from an affair. When he text me that afternoon, I told him I couldn't see him anymore but it wasn't because I didn't like him.
I eventually told him it was because I was pregnant and I knew he wouldn't want anything to do with me. He told me he didn't want it, and wouldnt be able to cope and then asked what I was going to do.
No father for my baby
I think the thought of not having a father for my baby scared me so I told him I was thinking of a termination. He was ok with this and said it was for the best.
The following day I booked an appointment at the bpas clinic for my checkup etc before the termination was booked.
I took a friend with me as he couldn't make it (11th june). Even then I remember saying to my friend that I don't know what to do, and I can still change my mind after today. I still had 2 weeks or so to make my mind up. (termination was booked on 20th June)
I can't even remember those days in between as june 20th came so soon. I was terrified and don't think I had ever cried so much. He took me to the clinic in liverpool and was very supportive, (although I now think that was more so I went through with it as he dumped me after).
I took my first pill around 10am then went back at 3:15 for the rest. It was easy as that, all over with, how wrong was I? it was only he beginning.
The image will stay with me for ever
NEXT BIT A BIT GRAPHIC IM SORRY BUT THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENS
I went home, my mum thought I had been shopping with a friend so I tried to act normal and just said I was going for a lie down. I remember lying on my bed thinking "nothings happening" then all of a sudden I felt the worst pain in my stomach and I knew I was bleeding heavily.
I think I must have dropped off at some point not for long though. I remember waking up and realising I had bled a lot more than I thought and when I went to the toilet, I saw it, I had passed my baby, was the tiniest thing.
I was told it would be like a clot, but believe me it wasn't and the image will stay with me forever.
2 days later on the Sunday I was at the table with my mum, and must have looked upset she asked me what was wrong and I just started crying.
She said what's the matter? has someone hurt you? have you done something? Are you pregnant? "Not anymore im not" I said and I just brokedown.
She was very good and said it was for the best etc but that's not what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to hate me as much as I hated myself.
I wish I had been stronger and kept my baby
After that things went from bad to worse, I was crying all the time, not eating, had been put on antidepressents.
Not a day goes by when I don't wish that I had been stronger and kept my baby. It is the biggest regret of my life and it eats away at me everyday.
I talk to "him" everynight and tell him how sorry I am and I hope he can forgive me.
Nothing can prepare you for the after feelings of an abortion and given my chance again, I wouldn't have one.
I would advise others to really be sure before you go through with it, because it ruined my life. nearly 2 years on I'm still severely depressed, I have attempted to overdose several times, I self harm by cutting my wrists, and when I go to bed at night I pray I don't wake up again.
PLEASE IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING AN ABORTION MAKE SURE YOU ARE 100% SURE AND THAT YOU ARE DOING IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.