I started changing my mind about termination at the 2nd appointment

Finding out I was pregnant... 

Finding out I was pregnant wasn't really a good thing because I wasn't ready to have a baby at that time, but I could imagine me holding my baby in my arms, so I was a bit confused & worried.

My relationship was sort of unstable & we were trying to work on it the best we could but it then became more unstable when I told my partner of 6 years that I was pregnant, he hated the fact that I was pregnant again - I terminated my last baby because I wasn't ready & the pill failed at that time.

I did the pregnancy test because I wondered why I hadn't come on - we used condoms so it didn't make sense to me.

When I got the result of a faint positive line my heart sank & I wondered what I would say to my partner. I then went out & bought 2 Clearblue tests & did them to confirm it.

Telling my partner...

One of the hardest things to do... He was working at the time - we don't live together, we live with our parents still. I hung off texting him or calling him to tell him the result & I was carrying on messaging him as normal about when I would see him etc.

My Mum's friend came over to speak to me as she knew something was wrong with me always messaging her - the bond we have is amazing. She found out I was pregnant & we spoke for a bit & she wanted me to do the other test to really confirm it - Pregnant 1-2 weeks.

I then told my partner I was pregnant - His reply was 'f**k, how did this happen?' I replied back saying to him well do you really need me to explain that'. Some other things were said as well & I asked him if he was still coming over that night for dinner as I would need to know because then I know how many I would be cooking for. He replied, 'Yes, but don't expect me to hang around long'. I then replied back saying, 'Well don't bother coming over then, I know where I stand, looks like dinner for one (my dad only because I wouldn't eat).

For a few days after that, some really nasty texts were sent to each other which I won't go into detail about. We are now not together as he found stuff out which I won't go into detail about either.

Making a decision for terminating...

An even harder thing to do... I took a long hard think about things, I knew he wanted me to terminate my baby anyway without him even saying so. I weighed up pros & cons about everything & then decided, in the end, I would go to the family planning clinic & get a referral for termination.

They did a pregnancy test there - positive. They then referred me & booked an appt for me to have a telephone thing before treatment & then I got a treatment appt.

Treatment Appt for termination...

Another hard thing to do... My appt was at 9 am a few days later. They tested my blood group & everything else and then did a scan on the tummy. They couldn't find anything properly and asked if they could do an internal and I replied yes.

With the internal, they still couldn't date me properly & said I might be too early & re-booked me for another appt 2 weeks time at 9:40 am.

Went back for the next appt 2 weeks later, same happened, only this time they sent me to A&E department at my local hospital to be referred to EPAU to which they didn't help that day because I wanted a scan there & then but there wasn't a sonographer there so they re-booked me for the next day at around 11am.

My Hospital Scan

The next day I had my scan. They found a pregnancy sac, but no embryo, with an internal scan straight away and they re-booked me for a weeks time to have another scan.

I went back in a weeks time with my Mum for support. Again they couldn't find anything. I sat in with the nurse with my Mum & they said they had diagnosed it as a missed miscarriage which is where you get no signs, bleeding etc that it has gone.

They told me the options I could take & they were:

• take a tablet orally that day which will bring the pregnancy away then go back 48 hours later to have 3 lots of tablets every 4 hours inserted into me in the hospital for bleeding to start & clotting etc
• to have it done surgically
• to wait for nature to take its course

As you could understand I wanted this to all be over because it had been going on for weeks so I didn't want nature to take its course so I opted for the medical management. Taking the tablets - they gave me the oral tablet of mifepristone that day & said I need to go back to the hospital on Saturday to be admitted.

Going into hospital for rest of treatment...

I'm scared of someone doing this to me but it needs to be done... I arrived at 9 am on the EPAU & waited about half an hour for a bed.

9:30 I got a bed, 10 am I got given the first lot of tablets inserted by a nurse. I had to rest for half hour & then get up & walk around until the next set of tablets to bring the bleeding on.

A few hours later when I was outside smoking & walking around I felt a clot coming. I tried walking as fast as I could but it was surfacing & was coming out. I took the lift up & managed to get the pot from my room & get into the toilet. Blood was all on my pad & I missed getting the pot underneath me quick enough & the clot was on the floor (embarrassing).

I called my Mum who then called a nurse, then the nurse sorted it. I changed my pad & went walking again.

Next set of tablets were at 2 pm

Had to repeat the first time again. A small clot came out a while later.

Had the 3rd lot of tablets at 6 pm

Nothing passed apart from period bleeds. I had to stay in the hospital overnight, saw the doc in morning & he told me more options which were: surgery to remove the rest, more tablets or letting nature take its course.

I asked if I could have a scan to see if there was anything there still or if I had passed all of it. There was still some yet to pass but a little bit. I then opted to have another set of tablets then a little while later I was allowed home to finish off the walking around & passing of the rest of the remaining products of conception.

Returning Home...

At last, home from the hospital... I returned home & carried on walking around the house more relaxed. Maybe it may speed things up being more relaxed. I have been home for about 24 hours already & haven't passed anything but have had some bleeding & cramping like a heavy period.

As far as I know, the hospital docs & nurses want me to pass a clot again to make sure it's all out but it's just bleeding like a period. I have the rest of this week off of work & in 10 days time have a follow up appt for a scan to see if anything has happened.

If not I think it could resort down to surgery to remove the remaining products of conception. Its a scary thought.

I am still trying to get my partner back in my life as my partner if that makes sense. We are texting each other but not on the phone or seeing each other. He 'needs time' to think about things. At the end of the day we both have lost a baby & thinking back on it, I started changing my mind about the termination when I had my 2nd appt for termination so I was going to keep the baby but then they said about problems & going to A&E & EPAU. I thought it was going wrong completely & something bad was happening, which in the end it was & has done.

I hope sharing my story helps others as well going through miscarriage & to know you're not on your own. Thank you for reading my story, no matter how long it is.