Yesterday, I had a medical abortion at 13 weeks. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago after feeling 'strange'

I am 18 years old. Yesterday I had a medical abortion. I found out that I was pregnant almost 2 weeks ago. I was shocked but had been feeling 'strange' for quite some time so I suppose I had suspected that I might be pregnant.

Deep down I was desperate to keep it

As soon as the doctor told me I burst into tears. I didn't know what to say or what I was going to do. She asked me what my immediate thought was and I said that I would probably end the pregnancy but deep down I was desperate to keep it.

The doctor had a feel of my tummy and told me that I was over 12 weeks...I was shocked, I didn't think I could have been pregnant for that long.

I left the doctors, everything felt surreal. I was carrying this little life round inside me.

I texted my boyfriend as he was at work at the time. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years and he is my best friend. I knew that whatever I decided to do he would stick by me and he has.

I made an appointment at the local family planning clinic to have a scan. I went for the scan and although I didn't look at the screen, I felt suddenly much more attached to the baby than I had before.

I was battling in my head

A nurse told me I was 13 weeks pregnant. Before I knew it I was filling in the paperwork for a termination. Although the doctors and nurses asked me 'Is it what you want' I said yes but really I wanted to say no. I was battling in my head. All sorts of things were rushing around.

I remember thinking about what my mum had said to me when she found out I was sexually active 'Heaven help you if you get pregnant' and 'that would be it' and 'I'd have nothing to do with you'. I don't want to portray my mum as a hard hearted woman. I understand that she only wants what is best for me. I don't think I could face the disappointment from my whole family. That definitely influenced my decision.

My boyfriend and I discussed every option. Keeping it, adoption, getting rid of it. I have a place at uni and start in september and he has a job working full time but the pay simply isn't enough to be able to bring up a baby.

Life isn't like that

We both still live with our parents so realistically there was no way we could afford to raise a child properly and get a house etc. I decided that a termination was the most realistic option.

I have always planned out getting married, having a baby, living in a nice house and giving the baby everything it could want and need. Doing everything the traditional way.

But life isn't like that. I felt like I was making the right decision. I went to the hospital for my first tablet. As I took it I remember thinking 'this is it, goodbye baby'. I felt ok straight after. But when I got home I cried hysterically for hours.

Yesterday I returned to the hospital for the abortion procedure. I held it together and my boyfriend and I tried to joke about things to lighten the situation. Deep down I just wanted to rewind. I wanted to be sat with the women who were keeping their babies, not getting rid of them.

The nurses showed us to a private room where I was told to take off my bottom half and lay in the bed. When she returned she inserted some tablets into my vagina and one up my back passage to stop infection. Although this was uncomfortable it did not hurt and I felt fine. I didn't know what to expect after that. I was told to lie down for an hour to let the tablets absorb.

I couldn't bear the pain

Nothing happened for about half an hour. I began having light period cramp type pains which gradually became worse. Within the next 15 minutes I couldn't bear the pain. I don't want this to frighten anyone who is going to have this but no one warned me just how bad the pain would be.

I wish I had been a little more prepared! My boyfriend went to get a nurse who came and gave me some painkillers. They did nothing and so I was given an injection of pethedine into my bottom. The pain continued and was excrutiating. But the pethedine made me fall asleep, I had surreal dreams but could still feel the pain.

I woke suddenly when I felt a strange popping feeling inside me. I felt dizzy and drowsy from the drugs but managed to stand up, I felt a huge release of water which I couldn't control. I hobbled into the toilet. I sat down and a sudden gush overwhelmed me.

I was shaking uncontrollably. I looked down expecting to see blood but instead I saw my whole baby still attached by the umbilical cord. I was terrified and didn't know what to do. I was crying and it felt like a nightmare.

I had been prepared for seeing maybe a bit of the baby, maybe an arm or leg but when I saw its whole body lying in a little bedpan still attached to me, it was unbelievable.

I wanted to call a nurse but I had locked the door and I couldn't stand up as the baby was still attached. I sat for 5 minutes wondering what to do. I pulled some toilet paper and gently held the umbilical cord. I took a deep breath and pulled it gently. It snapped and the baby slipped into the pool of blood in the bedpan.

I cleaned myself and stood up. I still can't believe how it happened. I didn't want to look at the baby but I couldn't help myself. I tipped the bedpan slightly and there it was.

I never imagined it would look like a baby

My baby. It was tiny but prefectly formed. I studied it for some time. I don't know why I did this because it is all I can think about now. It had a perfect little face, little arms, legs, hands, It skin was sort of see through and I could see its tiny little ribs. It was lying just as you would imagine a baby to lie, one little arm next to its head. It just looked like it was asleep, tiny and peaceful.

I felt sick and couldn't stop shaking. That was when the reality of what I had done hit me. I killed my baby. That little human will never grow up, never laugh, never smile, never run about and play, never learn and all because of me.

I never imagined it would look like a baby. Despite having spent hours looking at pictures on the internet of babies at 13 weeks I couldnt conjure up an image in my head of what it would actually look like.

I said I was sorry to it and that I loved it. I felt stupid and evil, my baby was lying there dead because I want to go to university and we can't afford to bring it up. That seemed like the most pathetic excuse for the death of my baby.

I stayed in the toilet for 10 minutes. My boyfriend didn't pester me, I think he heard me crying and suspected what I had seen. I opened the door and fell into his arms. I said 'its all there'. He chose not to look. All I could think about was its tiny little body lying there.

A nurse came in to take the bedpan away. I felt like a murderer. I want to know what happens to aborted babies. I would like to be able to have a memorial or something. Why should I want to lay my dead baby to rest when I chose to kill it?

I thought abortion was the right choice for me, but I didn't realise it would affect me the way it has. I haven't been able to stop crying and all I see is that baby.

Be prepared for the worst

I don't want to upset anyone or frighten them but I think you need to be prepared for the worst. I certainly wasn't. I don't know if it was meant to be like that. 13 weeks is quite far on and I am almost sure that a surgical abortion would have been much less traumatic, for me, but probably not the baby. No one deserves to see their dead baby, despite the fact that they have opted for an abortion.

I know that if I had kept the baby I wouldn't have been able to provide for it properly. Although I know that my boyfriend would have tried his best for us both, it wouldn't have been fair on him to have to provide all the money for the baby as I would be unable to as I am still at college.

I have sat on the internet for most of the day today reading people's stories and how other people have been able to cope but it doesn't make it any easier. I found this website before I went fo