I don't know how I'll deal with the emotional pain and depression after my baby's gone

Being 18 years old and being told you are 18 weeks pregnant was something I never intended to happen in my life. I have always been firm in my beliefs and I believe that all women have a right to choose to terminate or not when they find out they are pregnant and termination was always going to be my choice no matter what, as I knew pregnancy and motherhood is not something I see for myself in the near future but perhaps one day.

I told my doctor I wanted to terminate immediately and I intend to stick to my decision as, as selfish as it sounds, it is what's best for me in my life at the moment - I'm just not ready to be a single mother. As the child's father was absolutely toxic I ended the relationship long before I found out about the pregnancy.

Anyway, my decision to terminate has been so much harder than I thought. I found out I was pregnant 2/3 days ago and there hasn't been a minute since then where I haven't thought about my child growing inside of me.

I feel like an awful human being. I feel like the guilt will never ever leave me as I never knew that in the space of a few days my heart and soul would have created that mother-child bond I hear my mum talk about.

It is truly a horrific feeling, at first I didn't want to refer to the pregnancy as a 'baby' but I feel my baby every minute moving and growing inside of me (the little flutters which start at this stage) and it's so much harder to cope with than I ever thought. Just knowing someone is growing inside of me who loves me so much and who I have the deepest unconditional love for already breaks my heart as I know my only option is to terminate.

I honestly don't know how I will be able to deal with the emotional pain and depression after my baby is gone as I already feel like it knows my plans to terminate which is completely impossible but it's how I feel.

I just hope one day my baby can look down on me and know that what I decided was the best decision for both of us, and I hope my baby can be proud of me one day when I eventually have a family of my own and know that I love him/her as much as I will love my other children because the love I have in my heart is irreplaceable and unforgettable. 

I never knew I would feel like this towards someone I have never seen or spoke to before. it isn't even a fully formed baby and I am completely in love.

Although I know I will at first regret my decision, I hope in the future I can look back and be more satisfied knowing I did the right thing, and when the day comes when I too die I hope I can meet my baby and have a long-awaited conversation with him/her because I just want to tell my baby that I love you so much and I didn't mean to hurt you. The termination was such an awful experience for me as I became so attached.

I hope those reading this, who either relate completely can maybe gain some comfort in the fact that you are not alone, (you never are and you never will be because many of us who have been in my shoes know your pain), or maybe you are earlier in your pregnancy than I was when I decided to terminate and you can make a better decision for you or you could reaffirm the reason why you wish to terminate.

I hope my story helps someone in some way because getting this off my chest (as only my parents know) has been a great source of therapy and help for me as it feels like my big secret isn't such a secret anymore. Thank you for reading.

I hope you are happy and safe, protecting me throughout my life. I love you with every ounce that I have-remember that.

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