Now I'm questioning my decision for keeping the baby

I am 39 years old. Mother to six children, 4 boys 2 girls. I have been married twice, divorced once. In the separation stages with my second husband.

During the three years of separation, a year ago I met & developed a long distance relationship with what I thought was my soul mate. I became pregnant in the early months of our relationship & he was cruel in his approach in asking me to have an abortion. I stood my ground & said no.

I have had several previous abortions & felt that I could not do it again. Note to all the ladies having to make this very difficult decision. Do not ever allow another person to make this decision for you! This decision will be only for you to live with & therefore you need to feel in full control & confidence that it's what you want or need at that stage of your life.

As it turns out that pregnancy was an ectopic & I would undergo numerous months of pain, treatments and emotional distress. My partner was very supportive at this point but he could never understand the feelings of guilt and punishment I was undergoing. In my mind, this happened because of my previous choices.

Additional note to ladies: I have always had the surgical abortion with general anesthesia & I promise you I don't recall anything & it was not painful at all. I have never had the medical one, however, my best friend did when I was younger she went through three days & two nights of horrible pain, all I have ever heard about medical abortion has been painful.

I am once again pregnant, I am 8 weeks along & not ready for another baby, however, I plan on keeping it. 

One of the main reasons is that the ectopic I just experienced makes me wary of any medical after-effects. The truth be told I really don't want any more children & I am simply not ready at all.

My boyfriend claims he's being supportive however I feel I am undergoing this on my own. I don't feel he's making enough of an effort to move to my state.

I have to say placing these words on paper has made me question my decision for keeping the baby. I will think it over again & decide this week as I am a strong believer that all abortion should be done within 12 weeks before the embryo becomes a fetus.