My dream since I was a little girl was to have a huge family

I am twenty-one years old. A may baby. I had my first abortion at the age of twenty. My dream since I was a little girl was to have a huge family. Wonderful children and a hardworking husband. Just like my father was. The man I am with, you can say he is hardworking. He puts up with me, tries his best to make me happy. He works six days out of the week.

My first abortion was with his baby. I just did not feel right. Keeping the baby terrified me in so many ways. I could not afford it. I had no money. Not even to take care of myself. He assured me that we would have it all figured out. But it wasn't right. I couldn't do it.

My mother accompanied me to the clinic. I had to be dilated one day and the abortion was the following day because I was at sixteen weeks. It was the worst experience of my entire life. The pain I felt from my cervix being stretched to expel the fetus. I cried for twenty-four hours. Nonstop. I got no sleep.

When I got to the clinic I waited four hours even though I was the first appointment scheduled. I didn't feel like the people at the clinic cared much, they were just doing their job. This was like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to them. Simple.

When the procedure was over I woke up and felt instant relief. No pain. I felt myself bleeding already, but no pain.

Let me clarify why I waited so long to have the procedure, for those three months I knew for a fact I was pregnant. I was looking for hope, I was looking for something to make me feel like "Yes I can keep this baby. Everything will be OK" That feeling never came. It was a constant fear.

I felt relieved, I promised myself I would never put myself in this position again. Not until I was ready to have a baby. Now here I am, twenty-one years old. I have another scheduled abortion coming up this Saturday. With the same man.

This time a medical abortion. Because I am under ten weeks. It will be one pill at the clinic and a few others to take two days later. I am prepared for the extreme pain once again.

This time I will be going to the clinic by myself because it is not required to bring someone with. Neither of these pregnancies was planned. I am scared once again because it's a new experience and I don't know what to expect. But, I know that I have to do this.

I feel shame because I let this happen twice. But I also feel strong for being able to go through with it. I want kids. I do. But I want them when I can afford to give them the life they deserve. Every child deserves that.

So for all you ladies out there, If you are not one hundred percent positive you want and can keep this child, you don't have to. Please don't let others pressure you. This is a decision that you cannot take back. And if a man threatens to leave you because of it, cut him loose too.