I can never get over this one. It's a decision you die with

My first abortion was a date rape case, I was still in high school and just started dating a guy who turned out to be a monster.

I was scared and had to go through the process alone, but what hurt me the most was that I was already 3 months pregnant and the GP told me that I should rather not mention it that I had been raped as it might prolong the process as by that time it would be too late to go through with the procedure as I also didn't open a case or have a case number.

I had to lie to the social workers and say that the pregnancy was due to a failed contraceptive. I had to be hospitalised. I still remember the cramping and the shock when the baby went out. I told the sisters I didn't want to see the fetus, I didn't want to imagine that in my head forever. It was the longest night of my life but I didn't regret my choice...

I went on with my life and found a handsome young man who loved me with his whole heart and it felt so good. This is when it hit me that the abortion is still tormenting me. I pushed him away, I felt like I didn't deserve to be loved because of what I did. We dated for 2 years and I would always break up with him, wanting to be alone.

I realised that I'm suffering from mild depression, I had feelings of hatred towards myself. The worst part of the story, while we were on and off, I found out I was pregnant again. I called him and told him and he was shocked but seemed to be wanting to keep the baby.

I didn't even give him a chance to decide, I immediately insisted we terminate the pregnancy because I had just been accepted in college and I didn't want to end up having to drop out of school as he was also in varsity.

He supported me all the way and right after that we broke up, he begged to stay but I felt like I can never get over this one... I was a bully in my own relationship and I'm here years later wishing I could undo.

Abortion steals your joy, I felt like I don't deserve good things. I still do, it's a decision you die with, not even post-abortion counselling can help.

I wouldn't advise anyone to go through what I went through.