I was 14 and the father was a drunk and a drug addict

I was 14 when I first found out I was pregnant, being sick on a morning was really not like me. I went to my dad's girlfriend and told her.

She was supportive and went for a test for me and stayed by my side when I took it. I couldn't bear to look at it and when I did I broke down, thinking what am I going to do -  I was 14 and the father was a drunk and drug addict, not the best role model for a baby.

We broke up a month before I found out I was pregnant. He'd left me for my best friend at the time, so I didn't tell him and he still doesn't know. I wanted it to be my choice and no one was going to force me to do something I didn't want to do.

I told my mam over the phone. She cried and it was so hard to hear that but after the shock, she was really really supportive, whereas my father and his girlfriend hated me and now I have no relationship with them. But it was my choice, not theirs, they wouldn't be the ones getting up on a night doing feeds, changing it, buying stuff taking it to school dealing with the tantrums, I was.

I couldn't get an abortion until January 2010. I was 12 weeks pregnant when the time came and had to go through my 15th birthday and Christmas with my baby in my belly, who I knew I had to give up, holding my belly.

I battled through school but couldn't tell anyone apart from my main teachers in case anything happened as if I was ill or was bleeding they would need to know.

When the day came to go to the hospital and it was like it wasn't real. I couldn't imagine what was going to happen. After the doctor put the tablets inside my vagina I was sent back to my room to rest and the pain started.

I got through it but all of a sudden this deep painful ball hit my whole stomach and I was in agony crying my eyes out, it was horrible, I never felt pain like it. I had tablets from the doctor plus extra off my mam but still, it was there.

Later I had a gush of water all over me. I couldn't stop it and I was sooo embarrassed. My mam stayed with me all day looking after me, as I cried she held my hand.

Then it happened. I went to the toilet and that's when it finally came out. Whole little body, arms, legs, head everything was sooo small. I didn't think it would be that much of a baby but there it was. It just looked like it was sleeping so peaceful then I had to get my mam to come in and bag it up for me.

I was devastated it had happened and if I knew how much it would affect me now I probs would have struggled through and kept it as now I am a mess every single day.

I feel like I shouldn't have a child because of what I had done, I feel like such a murderer. People say I'm not but that's how I feel, I bet other girls do as well, who have had to see their little baby. You get that thought u are and no matter what people say you don't ever forget that picture in your head.

It has been years since mine. This month my baby would be turning 5, proper grown up and talking and in school and loving being a kid running around having friends. I will never forgive myself for what I did, I will never forget about that special little baby always in my heart ♥

I suffer from really bad depression now and every day I a struggle and I am slowly coping but I want everyone to know you are not alone and talking about it is hard but you feel better after, like a weight off you.

If no one knows about it please tell someone as you shouldn't go through it on your own. You're not a bad person you're just human. Xo