My medical abortion experience was awful

I was 21 in my second year at University when I found out I was pregnant. Due to being in the middle of my studies my boyfriend and I would need to have a termination. I went for the medical abortion and the experience was awful [more stories about medical abortion].

The scan picture was placed in front of me

I went to the clinic and was seen by the nurse. I had the scan of my womb and the nurse printed the pictures out and placed them on the table right in front of me. I had the termination at 6 weeks but the picture showed the shape of a baby. Up until then I was told all it would be was cells but that information was wrong.

The nurse was disgraceful

The nurses' attitude was disgraceful. When leaving the room I went to stand up and nearly passed out and I was left on the floor until other people working at the clinic came and helped.

I went back later for the second pills before making the journey home. The pain began about 30 minutes after and was excruciating. I was screaming, kicking my legs about and crying my eyes out. The pain just continued to get more severe and lasted for about 8 hours before easing off.

I spent most of this time sat on the toilet watching all the tissue come out and there was a huge lump that passed which was the foetus.

The most difficult part of the termination was the emotional side

The medical termination was an awful experience and no woman should ever have to go through such a thing. The most difficult part of the termination was the emotional side. No one seems to warn you how severe the emotional feelings can be, although it will affect every individual differently.

I turned into an angry person

About a month after the termination I turned into an angry person. I didn't have much support from my family as none of them ever asked if I was ok, it just wasn't mentioned. I had no support from my boyfriend, James. He was too busy going out drinking most days and said that was his way to deal with it? Hard to believe, maybe he just didn't want to deal with the emotions.

I had nightmares about becoming pregnant

My boyfriend constantly lied to me ever since I had found out I was pregnant. I was on the pill ever since that February and come July I became pregnant again.

After the first termination, I had nightmares most nights about becoming pregnant again and it became true. I had so many sleepless nights and when I did sleep I would wake up in an absolute state.

I couldn't go through termination again - we were keeping the baby

This time we came to a decision to keep the baby as I couldn't deal with going through that all again. We had made plans that I would postpone my final year at University and we knew it would work out. My boyfriend then said how we needed to talk because he had had a chat with his father and needed to discuss some things with me.

His Dad sat me down and said: "is it because you don't want to go through it again or do you want a baby". No one should ever be put in a position to answer a question like that. Then he mentioned how we wouldn't be happy because of finances even though my boyfriend had a good job in London.

He turned and said I couldn't keep 'it'

We stuck to our decision then James one day turned and said how I couldn't keep 'it' and how I had to get rid of 'it'. His mum was also very influential in his decision saying how we hadn't been together for long and talking about finances saying how we would be living in a council house which was not true. My mum was also the same and against us keeping the baby.

I repeatedly told him I couldn't go through it again but no-one supported me

So of course, having no one to support me I had to go through it again. I went to a clinic in Brixton but it was too early for a surgical abortion so I had to wait 2 more weeks and go to one a bit closer to home.

During the 3 weeks in total waiting after finding out, it was the longest days and I became attached. I was eight weeks pregnant went I had this surgical abortion and I could already feel a little bump.

I repeatedly cried to my boyfriend telling him how I couldn't go through it again but I did as no one supported me. He wasn't going to take the day off work but he came round to taking half a day because he was more concerned about using those holiday days for time with his friends.

Afterwards, I was told to stop crying

I had the scan and this time the nurse was nice and I asked for the scan pictures not to be put anywhere near me.

I went into the theatre room and was sedated so I don't remember all of the procedure. I do remember coming round and feeling that emptiness and loss. I got home and rested and cried but I was told to stop crying.

That weekend my family were away and my boyfriend was meant to look after me. I began to develop an infection and had to go to the emergency doctors alone because he was out drinking all weekend.

I wasn't strong enough to leave him

A few days later he stayed out in London at a girls house from work who I had never heard of after going to a party. Months later this happened again. I wasn't strong enough to leave him after what I had been through.

Out of both families involved, I suppose he gave me a tiny bit of support at times that suited him. I never really did have any and a year on all the emotions have built up and I can't cope.

Nothing has helped

I have tried counselling but nothing has helped. I've got to the point now where I do consider taking my life as I have no one that has supported me and think it would be easier not being here rather than waking up to this pain every day.

It has shown me who my friends are and how selfish some people can be.