A medical abortion 9 months ago

I became pregnant sometime around the middle of October. I knew instantly. It was like as soon as I had the first bout of morning sickness that was it. I said nothing, not to a friend, not to my boyfriend for weeks. Then around week 3 I broke down and told a close friend from college. This friend bought me a pregnancy test, as I am only 16 and I was worried when I bought it people might see and start judging.

I have depression and anxiety and I was starting to panic a lot. I did the test, told my friend and then acted as though everything was fine. Of course it was positive. I told my boyfriend who was very supportive but was busy at his work (he had just turned 17). I cried for days and eventually worked up the courage to phone the local clinic and ask someone what to do. Even though I knew I was pregnant I hoped I was wrong, as I see myself as very immature and too young.

I got an appointment to go to the hospital, have a scan and sti tests etc. I was absolutely terrified even though my boyfriend came with me. I then had another appointment to take the pre abortion pill then I was to come back 2 days later for the actual thing. I arrived at the hospital and was acting completely fine. I went into the room and had 4 abortion tablets inserted into my vagina which started the abortion procedure. I was being sick for the next two hours, spent most of my time in the toilet or bawling my eyes out. I could not calm down I felt as though I was being ripped apart completely. I begged a nurse to help me and I was given a jag in my lower buttock which stopped me being sick,but this seemed to increase the rest of my pain. I couldn't stop crying either.

I should mention that my boyfriend was allowed to sit with me in the day ward,  he was actually being rather annoying, but I know it was because he was terrified and worried about me. I left the hospital later that night having had my pregnancy terminated and sobbed my heart out the whole bus ride home.

I slept soundly all night, it was as if nothing had happened. It's as if I have blocked it all out, although recently I feel awful about it. I know I wouldn't have been able to support a child as sometimes I am barely able to support myself, surely it was the right thing to do? I feel so guilty and am having such a hard time coming to terms with what I've done and now its 6 months later. My baby would have been due 3 days ago and I can't stop thinking about how different things could have been. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this. 

Editor's Comment

It sounds as though this was a difficult experience for you and not one that you would have chosen if you had been older and felt more able to cope. The anniversary of an abortion or due date often brings up emotions again that you may have suppressed. I do think it is better for your own emotional and mental health to try and process your emotions rather than suppressing them, as they will keep reappearing. It's like constantly reapplying a plaster to an infected cut, instead of treating the infection so that the cut can heal.

If you need post abortion counselling and support it is available.