My surgical abortion was 23 weeks ago. I used to count the weeks...

I had an abortion 23 weeks ago tomorrow! I'd be 31 weeks pregnant tomorrow..

I have just worked that out I knew the weeks exactly a while back but at some point I stopped counting, I hope that's a good sign

Even though you're sure, abortion is still heart-breaking

I didn't realise that even though you could be sure of your decision it's still heart breaking to live with.

When I finally plucked up the courage to buy a pregnancy test I already knew I was pregnant as I'm never late my boobs had grown for the first time since puberty, but it still took my breathe away when I turned the test over to see "pregnant 2-3 weeks".

I didn't tell anyone about it, I was too embarrassed

I rang the doctors and booked an appointment to know my options, I didn't tell anyone I was too embarrassed how could I be so silly. I'd been seeing a guy but it turned out he had a fiancé and child so I didn't want to talk to him.

I got a journal and started writing down all my thoughts and feelings to help me make a decision and so that when I question it I can read back and know.

My niece died 2 years prior to me finding out I was pregnant. When she died my world collapsed and changed forever, I grew a fear of dying and not having everything sorted for everyone. I stopped living. I buried myself in my work and stayed strong on the outside for everyone.

I couldn't do that to my baby

So the thought of being a single mum & responsible for baby was a fear I knew I wouldn't survive, and I couldn't do that to my baby! People split up and children end up with 1 parent but I couldn't start my baby's life that way. I would never have been able to afford everything either I bought my own home last year myself and I just couldn't do it.

I feel sad, angry, disappointed and guilty

Right now I'm sad and angry and disappointed and guilty these feelings come and go but at the same time only I'm suffering if I'd  had my baby I would hate to think they'd suffer with me not coping.

I made a choice in my life it was right for me at the time, I felt I had no time like I needed to make a fast decision and after I felt like I had all the time in the world.

Abortion is not simple

Having an abortion is not simple you don't wake up from anaesthetic and go back to normal or at least I didn't I remembered, in fact I woke up with tears rolling down my face. I've had a general twice before and never woke up crying!

I did something which is against nature but it's legal I took control of my life and now I have to live it and make something of it. Right now it feels like everyone is pregnant around me every program on TV has some one finding out or being pregnant.

A woman at work is due 4 days before I would've been

I fight the want to hibernate every day. A woman at work is pregnant her due date is 4 days before mine would have been, I'm HR & Payroll so I'm dealing with her leave and payroll it makes me want to scream but at the same time working out her maternity pay confirmed I would have been drowning in debt and I've no idea how I'd leave work to go on leave either.

Writing really helps

If you're reading this and thinking damn this girl jumps from thought to thought I am, but writing things down really helps you to deal with things.

Thank you for giving me the place to writing through my thoughts.