Three years on & I still have the pregnancy test & all the paper work

It's 30th April tomorrow & I dread this day so much. Three years ago to that day I had a surgical abortion.

[Click for other surgical abortion stories»]

I was about week off being allowed the pill to end the pregnancy & was told the surgical procedure was far better. I remember laying in the bed on the ward, four other ladies in beds too. All knowing what each one of us was there for.

I remember secretly hoping my husband would text & say please don't do this - he too was hoping I'd text him saying I'm coming home. When I went down to the room & got on the op bed, knew there was no turning back - the surgeons were really nice.

When I came round I felt so empty & ashamed... And angry at myself. Going home was horrible. I didn't feel no pain, no nothing. And I wanted to feel pain but there was nothing.

Till 6 weeks later & I lost a lot of blood (coming off a bus). Was told there was still remains left from the procedure. And had to go through the whole experience again. Had all the pain after the second time. Felt I was being punished.

Three years on & I still have the pregnancy test & all the paper work - I tell myself each year I will bury it, and finally let go... But I don't. Maybe tomorrow I might find the strength.

My husband isn't one for dwelling on the past, which is helpful. I doubt if he even remembers the date. Inside I miss that baby & I know I love the baby but do I have the right - I signed the permission form, no one else.

Reading the other story's shows me I'm not only one. Your all brave. And like me, I hope you all bring yourself to let go & forgive yourselves.