I've always been pro choice but I'm different now

There was a time when I would, perhaps coldly, suggested it to someone seeking my advice concerning an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy...

But I am different now.

I became pregnant unexpectedly 2 years ago and chose to abort. I decided I wanted no anesthesia or sedation because I needed to really understand what I was doing. I do not worship any gods. I have no religion. But this...

For the first time in my life and many times over, the sensation, remembering what it felt like for the life to turn off inside of me... It brings me to my knees. To this day. The pain never decreases. And on my knees it's as if my heart, my soul, every bit of my being is begging for forgiveness From myself, from life, the cosmos, I do not know. And I do not know if that forgiveness will ever come. But of course it passes.

Time is linear and we live on the now. And my 'now' is actually great But it all remains etched, waiting to be relived in a fitting room, at breakfast, or at night, when I am haunted by the dreams my heart creates from all the feelings that could have been

And I am whole again, my soul uncrushed Until I wake, back to a life that I love and should be totally happy in. And oftentimes I am. But then there is always that jolt of darkness, those feelings, the memory, reality, regret, lurking just underneath the surface. My soul has been altered. I feel maimed in my capacity for joy And I wonder if I will ever truly recover