During the abortion the pain was intense. I was delirious and could barely talk
I wanted to share my story, since googling stories of other woman who had gone through some of the experiences and emotions I was feeling, was incredibly helpful to me during the entire process.
I found out the day after Christmas I was pregnant, even though I am in my early 30's and married, I cried and anxiety started to set in.
I thought I'd feel elated to find out I was pregnant
My husband and I have been talking about starting a family but I didn't feel like we were ready. We are in debt, don't have any health insurance and owe the IRS thousands of dollars in unpaid taxes. Our careers are just starting to pay off and I just couldn't imagine how we would handle this event in our life while feeling pure stress instead of being overjoyed at the news.
I envisioned that when I found out I was pregnant that I would be elated. My husband was sweet and supportive and said we could figure it out but I broke out in tears. I had anxiety at the thought of going through this right now. I thought it over and then I broke again when I seriously began to consider having an abortion.
I called Planned Parenthood but had to wait a week
I knew that if I was going to terminate this pregnancy I had to do it quickly. I felt the more time I dwelled on it the more panic and anxiety I would feel. So I called planned parenthood to see if they could see me right away. Since I was only 4 weeks pregnant they told me I had to wait a week, the week was torture. I cried and questioned if I was about to make the right decision.
The day of my appointment was tough. I cried on the way up and asked my husband if we were making the right decision, he knew how panicked I had been about the news when we found out and was concerned that I wouldn't enjoy or embrace this pregnancy and told me that I had decided on the right thing for us. He was right but my emotions were still raw.
I have friends who have young children or are starting to get pregnant for the 1st time and I always thought that by now I would be more than ready. But I just didn't feel like I was.
I opted for medical abortion - knowing what I know now, surgical might've been better
I went in opting for the medical abortion so I could have the experience in the privacy of my home. I thought it would be better, but knowing what I know now I think the surgical route would have been a better option.
I didn't know what to expect and in the end, it was a lot more gruelling than I ever imagined it to be. Since I was only 5 weeks pregnant I honestly thought it would be like me just having a really bad period.
They explained that I would bleed large clots, which I normally do on my period, have intense cramps, which I also normally have with my period, but it was more intense than I ever planned for it to be.
No side-effects with the 1st pill
I took the 1st pill at the clinic, I didn't have any physical side effects or bleeding so when it came time to take the remaining pills the next day I really didn't think twice about how I was about to feel.
On day 2, after an hour and a half, the pain was intense
I took 4 advil as they had advised me to do a ½ hour prior to the pills so I thought my pain would be manageable. An hour after taking the pills at home I started to bleed heavy and have cramps, then an hour and half in the pain become intense. It was worse than any cramps I have ever had and I needed to take more advil, which I did.
Advil helped slightly for a brief time
The additional advil helped slightly for a brief period of time but then the pains became intense again and I started to have the chills. I then had some diaharrea which is also a side effect, so all I wanted to do was sit on the toilet and let myself bleed it all out.
When I thought the worst was over I began to feel nauseas, planned parenthood gave me some anti nauseous medication so I took one.
I could barely talk, delirious with pain
At this point, I could barely talk and was delirious in pain but able to tell my husband to get me the medicine. As soon as I took it I began to throw up. For the next hour and ½, I sat there in delirious pain in my bathroom, on and off the toilet in different positions since I could not sit still.
My husband tried to make me comfortable with blankets or rubbing my back but the pain was so strong nothing was comforting. I felt like my insides were being ripped apart. After a couple of hours of this excruciating pain it began to slow down. I managed to fall asleep on the couch as I couldn't even make it upstairs to my bed.
I woke up in the morning with mild cramps and the feeling like I had been drained of all of my energy. My husband left early for work and I could barely muster up the strength to make breakfast for myself. Once I ate I felt better.
I couldn't leave the house for a couple of days
I initially thought I would just need a day or 2 to myself before I returned to work but couldn't leave the house for the next couple of days. The pain wasn't as intense but the bleeding was heavy and I felt depressed. I didn't want to cry but just felt hollow.
A few days later I woke up in the middle of the night with strong cramps that mimicked what I was feeling the night I took the abortion pills at home. I got so nervous thinking the pain was going to come back like before. While they were really painful they eventually went away once the advil kicked in.
I bled for 2 weeks
As the days went on I was surprised at how depleted and weak I felt. I bled for 2 weeks, which they did warn was normal but I didn't think the recovery process would be so difficult. My uterus felt beat up and achy and I was slipping into a state of sadness and even though my husband was a great support I just felt like he couldn't understand the emotions and physical pain I went through so I felt alone.
I grieved for several weeks and my work suffered
I grieved about my decision and the process for several weeks. My work suffered, I couldn't think straight and didn't want to do anything. Finally, I tried to pull myself together, the only way I knew how, one day at a time.
It's been a little over 2 months and I am still dealing with the emotions of it. I had a friend who announced her 1st pregnancy recently, while I was thrilled for her once I hung up the phone I cried. I stayed up half the night trying to process how I felt.
I wonder, would I be happier than I am now?
Aside from my husband, no one knows what we went through and found that the thought of sharing my story would be therapeutic.
While I grapple with the thought that I would be stressed if I decided to have a baby, I wonder would I be happier than I am now? I remember why we decided not to have a baby, mostly the financial aspect, we didn't have a house, don't have health insurance and no savings but every now and then I get upset thinking of how we could have tried to make it work.
I also panic thinking of the responsibility & commitment a baby would require
But then in the same breath, I also get panicked thinking about how much a baby would change our lives, how much of a responsibility and commitment it would be and then I think I am not ready and did make the right decision.
I know my story is a bit ambivalent but that is honestly how I feel and am sure there are others that feel the same way too.
