It's been 3 weeks - nothing makes the image go away

I have 3 healthy children - 6,7 & 11. I decided that when I turned 35 I'd add to our brood, easily becoming pregnant within a month. We were so so excited. At 5 weeks I had some pain on my side and feared an ectopic pregnancy, went into ER and was told it was too soon to see anything.

Long story short, it turned out to be an empty sac which I miscarried at home at what would have been 10 weeks. I was relieved to see no one was in the sac but devastated.

[You'll find other miscarriage experiences here (organized by the number of weeks of pregnancy)]

Fast forward 3 months and once again I became pregnant. I was terrified. At 6 weeks I had a scan and the dr didn't see the baby but assured me this was not like the last pregnancy. 2 weeks later she scanned again and there was my little bean with a healthy heartbeat.

14 days later I had bright red blood but no cramping. The dr said the chances of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat were slim to none.

At what would have been 13 weeks and 6 days I went in for a scan and was told the babies heart had stopped beating the week before. I cannot get the image out of my head. The image of the perfectly formed little baby that was not moving and so still.

I'm heartbroken and terrified that this will be a recurring theme. I loved that baby as soon as I heard the heartbeat and now it's gone.

It has been 3 weeks and I'm hoping this sadness will pass soon. It comes and goes. Sometimes I feel like I want to scratch my eyes out - nothing makes the image go away. I didn't find out if the baby was a boy or girl, I don't think I can handle knowing.

I wouldn't wish this heartbreak on anyone.