I'm so torn... I think abortion is my best choice

I had a surgical abortion back in April of 2014, I know that it was the best thing for me although I feel bad about it.

My mom didn't want me to do it but I had my mind set. She made me promise her that I would never do it again and I never intended to put myself in this situation again.

You see I am a single mom of 4 sons that I raise and support alone, I have my boys by 3 different guys. I am 33, I work hard and try to be the best mom I can be. Anyway, my mom passed away August 8th 2015, she was my rock and meant the world to me.

I started seeing this guy that had been interested in me for over a year, I pushed myself to get out and do stuff because I was depressed. He was there for me during the difficult time. We started hanging out everyday since August 6th. It happened fast but we made it official as a couple on August 20th.

I found out I was pregnant on August 28th and told him of it September 1st. Ever since then he has pulled away drastically and goes out and parties all the time. Last time we actually hung out was on September 11th and last time I saw him was on September 21st!

We used to see each other every day but now I feel like he can't stand to be around me.

On September 21st we talked about what we were gonna do, we went back and forth on abortion. I told him I couldn't do it. He doesn't know that I've already had one... He said I should have an abortion because he's sorry but he's just not ready to be a dad.

I left his house and was so upset that I couldn't drive, I had to pull over. He ended up apologizing and saying that he changed his mind and wants to keep it.

Ever since then things have not gotten any better. I still haven't seen him since that day, it's been almost 2 weeks. We barely talk, he's always going out and hanging out with other girls. I get jealous and I tell him that he can make time to party but not to see me.

We always fight... I know he just doesn't care and if he wanted to see me he would like he used to. I feel like he is just trying to make me, the baby, and situation go away. I'm so miserable... i really am and I feel so alone.

I shouldn't force myself to have a baby by a guy that clearly doesn't care about me or his baby. I don't need another loser baby's dad. I already look like damaged goods for having 4 boys by 3 different men, I don't need to have 5 kids by 4 men and not be with any of them.

I know I am being selfish and I will make it somehow I just don't wanna put myself through the heartache.

I am gonna be 10 weeks on Wednesday so I need to figure it out soon. I feel horrible because I've already had my first OB check up and saw my baby moving around on the scan at 8 weeks. I'm so torn...

I think abortion is my best choice though. What do I do? So many people are gonna judge me if I have the baby...

I'm so disappointed in myself for letting it happen again. I think about my mom and what she'd say. What do I do?