I had a medical abortion three weeks ago and sadly regret every minute of it

I had a medical abortion three weeks ago. Sadly I regret every minute of it.

I knew I was pregnant before I did the test

I knew I was pregnant days before I bought the test. I felt different. The crunch came when I did a 10k fun run at work and felt like I was carrying a small fish bowl inside of me all the way around the course!

The next morning I did the test and my fears were confirmed. I had been seeing my new partner for just three months - how on earth could I tell him what had happened?! We had just been on our first holiday driving around the south of France. We had a wonderful time getting to know each other better and I had no idea at that point I was already pregnant.

At 37 with no children and a new partner, I was confused and scared

My reasoning for abortion was mixed. When I told my partner he was initially shocked but seemed keen to keep the baby. I was scared, at 37 with no children and a new partner, I was feeling confused. One close friend kept saying it was meant to be, another saying it was too soon. I had a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that the relationship would fall apart under the strain of such a big commitment so finally, I made an appointment to see the doctor.

What if, when I did want children, it didn't happen

By now I was feeling sick all day every day. It was hot in late July and all I could think of was sleep! The doctor’s reaction was a little scary. She said that at 37 with no children this was a big decision and what if, when I did want children, it didn't happen? Not the best response but an honest one!

The doctor referred me to the clinic and got me an appointment for the very next day. I think I went on autopilot at this point.

I decided to go alone, in silence

I decided to go alone, in silence, and just take whatever was thrown at me. I felt awful sitting in that waiting room. The scan which they showed me confirmed I was six and a half weeks pregnant. I didn't expect to see the scan picture and almost felt it was done as a way of making it all real.

The medical abortion procedure was not explained in great detail

The medical abortion procedure was explained to me but not in any real detail. I was told I would feel quite bad period pains and that clots would be passed. I went home having arranged my next appointment the following week.

My head was a mess and coupled with the fact I felt so sick, work was a real drain and I'm not even sure how I continued to pretend all was ok. My partner was supportive of my decision. However, working abroad four days out of seven, he was not really there to hold my hand. Hence the reason I did this all on autopilot.

I went back the next Wednesday for my first tablet, felt fine apart from the continued sickness and went home to bed.

The following morning I returned and took the four tablets to the toilet and inserted them as instructed. I felt numb at this point and just caught the train home as quickly as possible, knowing I was on a time scale. What happened next will stay with me forever.

I felt cramping on the train and was anxious to get home. I was given tablets for pain and took one the minute I got in the door. The period-like pains I was told about were more severe than I had certainly expected and I found myself pacing up and down to take my mind off it.

About two hours in, I had a sudden urge to go to the toilet. By now I was bleeding quite heavily and decided to stay seated on the pan.

A large clot passed and, although uncomfortable, I thought that was it. I sat back on the sofa but continued to be in quite severe pain. A little while later, I was back up pacing the floor again as I felt so uncomfortable, another rush to the toilet and this time a much bigger clot passed.

I felt compelled to look and wasn't prepared for what I saw

I felt numb. This was the foetus from my tummy sitting in the toilet pan! I felt compelled to look and wasn't prepared for what I saw. No good would come of me explaining in detail for anyone reading this as it's dead and gone. All I will say is don't look unless you want a clear reminder of your abortion in your head. Three weeks on I'm still spotting, a constant reminder of that day.

Maybe in time things will get better

I'm still with my partner and we are trying to look forward, not back. We did initially talk about that day but I think he finds it as hard as me to discuss. Maybe in time, this will get better, I do hope so. To top it all I have just found out a friend of mine in the office is expecting her first child, she's 10 weeks pregnant.

I wish I'd given myself a little more time to think

I'm happy for her and wish her well. However, I can't help feeling that could also be me. I can't change the past but feel awful knowing this bump she has will be yet another reminder of what I have done. Everyone’s situation is different, I accept that. I just wish I had given myself a little more time to think.