My abortion story is an unusual one; even the doctors are shocked

I had my medical abortion one month ago.

Today I found out I was pregnant again.

My story is an unusual one; even the doctors are shocked.

I don't have regular periods. I had just had my implant taken out and I was on the pill. Sadly it didn't work. I found I was pregnant at 18.

I had just applied to university so it wasn't the right time. My boyfriend of four years and I had always said we would have an abortion. So I did.

My medical termination was horrific

I had my medical termination; it was horrific.

I fainted, I couldn't stop being sick, it was agony, like no pain I had ever felt before and I was very relieved when it was over.

I started college again and felt amazing. I would have off days where I was feeling down; it was like being sucked into a black hole and I just couldn't get out. It took me a month to find myself again and actually be able to enjoy life. I could live with the guilt.

We were using condoms & I was on the Depo injection

In this time, my boyfriend and I had been using condoms and I was on the Depo injection.

I had started to notice my boobs were sore again and I was going to the toilet a lot. I thought nothing of it; it could have been the hormones from the injection getting back into my system.

As a week went by, I thought it couldn't hurt to do a test just to be sure, even though I knew there was no change of being pregnant again as I had been using protection. Two friends and I bought some pregnancy tests and I sat there and did it in a car park toilet.

At first I thought ‘yes, it’s negative’, as there was only one line. But as we sat back in the car to return to college it changed. It was positive again.

I called the clinic and asked if there was any chance that the hormone could still be in my system and she called me back. There I was in the middle of Sainsbury’s being told rather rudely that it wasn't their fault and I had got myself pregnant again.

A month after the first abortion it was sinking in that it had happened again

Crying in the middle of Sainsbury’s one month after I had had the first abortion, it sank in that it had happened again. I would have to go through that pain again. The darkness came over me and I just wanted to lie in bed and cry forever.

I called my doctor to arrange the appointment at that stupid clinic. She made me feel better telling me that it wasn't my fault and that it could be a bit left from the first termination giving off the hormones, but no, I went there and she confirmed that I was two weeks pregnant.

I’m having another abortion, I have to. I can’t just suddenly change my mind and decide I want a baby one month after I got rid of the first one.

I don't want to go through it again; it tore me apart last time. I’m 18. I should be out having fun, not feeling sick, needing a wee every ten seconds and having to go through this twice in such a short space of time.

I know it’s not my fault. Maybe the condom split; maybe I’m just unlucky; maybe I’m just meant to have a baby now. I have asked myself these questions a million times.

My boyfriend and I considered keeping it. I know lots of my friends, who are young mums, are amazing, but I can't be one of them. I’m not ready. I’m still a child at heart. I shouldn't have to put myself through the doubts, pain, anxiety and self-hatred that I did before. I’m trying so hard to stay positive but I just think fate is against me.

Editor’s note

Thanks for writing in…

Despite the relief you felt after your first abortion - that the problem is solved and you can get on with life - it seems that you have a deeper underlying reaction to your experience of abortion.

Your ‘off’ days, feeling like you were going down a black hole, signify a response that makes you feel uncomfortable at having to go through this experience again.

Sadly, contraception is never 100% pregnancy-proof. Life happens. I want to encourage you to believe that this is nothing to do with fate being against you; it is simply a natural consequence. We just don’t have the level of control we like to think we have!

Believing that fate is against you will make you feel helpless and resentful. It’s better to act positively by thinking this through properly and making an informed decision, not one based on the fact that you chose abortion the first time around.

Just because you had the first abortion, you don’t have to have a second on account of some false notion of fairness to the first pregnancy.

You do have a choice and you do have the power to choose for yourself in an adult way, taking into account your deeper feelings and what's possible with all the options available to you.

Visit your nearest centre to talk it through. We’ll be thinking of you.