It was a molar pregnancy or cancer and the tissue had to go straight to pathology

It has been two days now since I went in for a surgical abortion. Two really long, emotionally jarring, and physically painful days.

I became concerned that I was pregnant when I was about 5 weeks along. I started waking up nauseous and that continued to progressively intensify for another week, and with my period being late, I already knew it in my heart, but I got a test and broke the news to my husband.

After the birth of my second son, We had discussed, explored various birth control options, and decided, what steps would be taken to avoid pregnancy and what we’d do if I got pregnant again. I had been taking seeds from the plant known as wild carrot, or Queen Anne’s lace, when we had sex during my fertile window (do some research of your own if you want to know more about the uses for wild carrot) and that seemed to work, but (found out the hard way) consistency is absolutely necessary, as is the number of days you take it (post-coitus).

Going back now to week 6, I called to make an appointment to be seen, they couldn’t get me in any sooner than 2 weeks later, and I had the option to drive 40 minutes, or wait one day longer and only drive ten minutes. Naturally, I figured that time was of the essence, and I took the appointment that was a day sooner.

At the appointment, everything was going smooth, but, after the nurse finished the ultrasound, she said she needed to talk to the doctor. She left the room for 15-20 minutes, came back, and told me I needed to make another appointment at a clinic that could do surgical abortion so that they could send the tissue to pathology, and it needed to happen as soon as possible.

Typically I’m good for asking why, but I was kind of shocked at what she told me, so I just said ok let’s make the appointment. So an appointment was made for me for the following day, to go into the clinic that I would have gone to originally, if I had waited an extra day, instead of taking the first available. The universe has a weird sense of humor apparently.

That night I educated myself the best I could (having so little information from that visit) and tried to get a sense of what I was potentially in for.

The next morning, I drove myself to the clinic. Got called back and talked to the first of several nurses. She informed me that it was a possible Molar Pregnancy. I asked why the tissue would need to go to pathology, her reply was "to make sure that it’s not cancer". With that said, I felt like I really didn’t have a logical choice but to go through with the abortion.

So I was given ibuprofen, an antibiotic, and a cup of water to wash 'em down with. Since I drove there alone, I didn’t get any kind of sedative (95% of the other stories I have read so far are women who were able to take one, so with all circumstances provided, I haven’t been able to relate to any of the stories I have read, which is why I’m here, now) so, no sedative = I remember the sensations during the procedure quite vividly.

I have never had the displeasure of reliving a negative experience to this extent, it seems like everywhere I turn there is some stupid thing that triggers it all back to the forefront... my thoughts are louder than my children’s laughter. It’s screwed up. I’m already fighting depressive tendencies, guilt from that cuz it’s affecting my relationship with my children, my 4-year-old in particular, and they so much don’t deserve a mommy that’s out in her head so much. I want to be their comfort, I want their trust, I want them to be excited to see me in the morning.

I feel like I should be able to be that mommy for them almost effortlessly, and I keep trying, and will keep trying, but let’s level it up shall we? So, now all this?!

I am torn up inside. The actual procedure hurt some, nothing like the next day tho. The next day, I straight up felt like I did after birthing a full-term child. No difference that I can feel between post-birth and post-abortion. Plus I have an infected tooth that flared up bad the day after.

And I thought my support system would be there for me the day after, why wouldn’t he be, he’s the ONLY OTHER PERSON CLOSE TO ME WHO KNOWS WHAT IVE JUST ENDURED. He gently stirred me from sleep around idk, 4 or 5 in the morning to say he would be back early afternoon then left. Leaving Me until, the following morning with, major jealousy and a dark painful bruise on my heart.

I was hurt, still am hurt. In every aspect that a person could be hurt. All I wanted all day long was to sit in an Epsom salt bath, or at least lay down for a while. That, however, didn’t actually get to happen till 1:30 in the morning.

No car, 2 kids, fresh out from surgical abortion, and feeling like I just gave birth, my mind on repeat, a radiant toothache, and a "from the top of your hairs to the blood vessels in your toes," type of body ache, like you might experience from mastitis or any infection that likely needs immediate attention.

And completely heartbroken, feeling like I don’t really matter to him, though it’s more accurate to say he is more involved in his own wants and needs, it doesn’t even dawn on him, he doesn’t even have the thought to consider what I may want/need, or how his actions might affect me.

Having hurt feelings from that tendency of his has happened more than just this time. I wonder if he would know when else it happened, he should... he was there. I think it’s the only thing he’s ever apologized to me about actually.

I have been battling this thought in my mind; like he's only here out of convenience, with an "obligation" to the kids... like our family is a thought-free way of maintaining a roof over his head, food intake, etc

It sounds like he’s terrible, but he’s not, I mean that. It’s just self-amplified due to the fact that we need to work on our communication. I have never had a problem with communication with anybody, I am known to be the one with no filter, but I guess I don’t know how to approach him without triggering the wrong emotions. How to convey my thoughts in a way that he understands that I’m not trying to criticize, I’m trying to define some edges of the bigger picture so we can add some more color.

So, my final thought as well as the "moral" of my story. I guess that the abortion will prove to be a blessing in disguise, it’s hard to believe that at the moment, but life is filled with hard to believe times, both good and bad. We move through life with high tides and low tides, just as everything on this earth operates with high points and low points.

Whatever you're feeling won’t be the same forever, the fact is that we can’t know happiness without knowing despair, we can’t define daylight without the contrast of the night time. And we can’t ascend without first having knowledge of descent.

Forgiveness is so much more than forgiving others, we have to forgive ourselves too. The prerequisite for healing is being hurt. Isn’t it true that we need to squat down in order to jump up? So here’s to my hope that it was a molar pregnancy and not cancer - the only cancer I want is the one I’m married to.

M