I'm 27, had an abortion, and miss my baby desperately

I'm 27 and had an abortion at the end of March.

It was not something that I wanted, but certainly not something I could ever have imagined would be this traumatic and difficult.

At the end of last year I met someone who I considered to be the man of my dreams. Around Valentines day he asked me to marry him, and whilst we hadn't known each other that long, I believed what he said and took it seriously.

Following the "proposal", he took me away for a wonderful romantic few days during which we got carried away and had one episode of unprotected intercourse.

I told him I could get pregnant

That evening, I worked out it was around ovulation. I told him this and said that I could get pregnant (there was always the morning after pill!). To my surprise he told me he would be pleased if I got pregnant and would quite like a little "him" running around.

After this I was actually hoping that I was pregnant and we had a couple more unprotected episodes!

Two weeks later I found out I indeed was pregnant.

The initial reality was a bit scary, but I was still overjoyed. I had found the man of my dreams, we were going to be together forever and now I was having his baby.

His reaction was not what I expected

Unfortunately when I confirmed the reality to my boyfriend his reaction was completely different to what I had expected...

He started to give me a long list of why a baby was NOT a good idea... "we hadn't known each other long enough, we hadn't got a place together (even though we were looking!), my career would be messed up".

He said it was my decision

He told me it would be best for me to have an abortion as a baby was not right at the moment (although he did stress that he was not forcing me to get rid of it and would leave the decision up to me).

I was so hurt, why did he say all that he said?

He even went on to tell me that he hadn't officially proposed, rather it was talk of the moment and something he would like in the future.

I ended up having an abortion at 8 weeks as I didn't feel I had a choice. Everything seemed like lies and I couldn't risk being a single mum with my career. (I am a doctor).

I rushed and made the wrong choice

I rushed things along, not giving myself time to think. I wanted counselling but it didn't seem available and regrettably now I feel I made the wrong choice. To make matters worse I work in Obstetrics & Gynaecology and have to see pregnant women every day in my job.

I am finding it SO SO hard, and desperate to find ways to cope. I miss my baby so much and desperately want him/her back. I am probably being irrational, but I now have this overwhelming desperation to replace the baby.

I feel as if I won't be able to move on until I get pregnant again and every day my thoughts are consumed about being pregnant. I honestly never thought having an abortion would affect me so much. I seriously thought it would be a case of 'do it and get back to normal'.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I urge anyone who is thinking about having an abortion to think long and hard about it... it is your precious baby, something which I have lost, but YOU have the chance of keeping.

Editor's note

Thank you for telling your story.

It must be incredibly hard for you to be at work and feel that longing to replace the baby you lost. That longing is a very common feeling after an abortion.

Please can I encourage you to get in touch with an advisor at a centre. There is a great deal of support and understanding available for you that will help you relate to your loss in a healthy way and enable you to go into your future at peace with yourself.