Even though abortion was best for everyone a piece of me feels lost, broken, missing

I wanted to share this for anyone who has felt as I have. Eighteen days ago I got an abortion. I’m an eighteen-year-old college student, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two and a half years. I love him so much, and we had discussed prior to the 'what if' if I got pregnant, and we both agreed abortion would be best for us.

[Read more general abortion stories or see the list of stories about medical abortion in particular or experiences of abortion at 10 weeks.]

When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. I was heartbroken. The abortion itself was extremely painful, I could feel the doctor scraping and suctioning my uterus, and the moment he was done I threw up.

I experienced what I consider a medium period (I have heavy flows) with a quarter to dollar-sized clots for about two weeks afterward.

The first few days after, I cried. Even though I knew to abort this baby, our baby, was for the best for everyone— I’m broke, still in school, and moving soon— a piece of me still feels lost. Broken. Missing. I miss my baby. I want my baby back.

Only my boyfriend, a few close friends, and my mom know what really happened. If I knew how heartbroken I feel know, I would have never gotten rid of my baby.

I still support abortions; I understand women don’t all of the same scenarios I do. Some people don’t want children, there are outliers and I fully support anyone who has an abortion. But I also know I can never go through this again.

On top of losing my child, a lot of other things have happened that have so far made 2019 shit. I write to my baby sometimes, and other days I feel so shattered getting out of bed seems impossible. The world feels like it’s going by so quickly and I am at slow speed, desperately trying to keep up.

I was ten weeks and three days when I had the abortion, I got to see my baby inside me. I have a picture of my baby. I just want my baby back. It’s hard, I feel like I lost something I have always wanted, and then someone sent out a big 'screw you' into the universe and offered it to me at the worst possible time.  I know that even if I got pregnant next week, I would keep my child because I can’t handle losing another one.

I just wanted to share my story in case there are others out there like me. You are not alone. I put my baby up in the stars, so one day my baby could come back to me. You can put yours in the stars too, if you want. They can dance together.