I wish I hadn't left it until almost 19 weeks before having a medical abortion

I had a medical abortion at almost 19 weeks. I'm an 18-year-old freshman in college. I live on campus and this is my first time being away from home even though I don't live too far away.

[You'll find more stories about medical abortion here, and stories about abortion at 19 weeks here, and stories from people in the United States here.]

Basically, college started and I met my now boyfriend, who is 22, in August. Around October, we had unprotected sex. Already having a pregnancy scare the previous month because of unprotected sex, I wrote this off as a minor thing, however, I was ovulating when it happened.

A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and that is when everything became more complicated. My boyfriend, already has a child from a previous relationship, about 1, but he was really happy to hear the news.

However, I knew that this was not the time for me to have a baby. I want to go to med school and honestly was afraid I wouldn't even make it through the pregnancy because my parents would kill me.

Even though he was supportive, from time to time, he would tell me that he really wanted me to keep it and his vision for our little boy and us to have.

Asking him to pay felt wrong

Where I live abortion is legal, but it isn't covered by any health insurance and it is hella expensive to do. Not having a job my first semester and basically depending on my parents for everything I needed didn't really help either. My boyfriend works and he has a stable living salary, but I just felt wrong asking him to fully pay for the abortion of the child he lowkey wanted.

I found a company providing abortion pills for up to 9 weeks

I did hella research and came across a company that provided abortion pills to pregnant women who were at the most 9 weeks. I filled out all the requirements and all that was left to do was to send a payment for the shipping and everything.

I tried to miscarry and missed the 9-week window

However, I couldn't go through with it at the time. At this point, I am about 8 weeks pregnant and was getting drunk and high on weed almost every weekend in hopes of having a miscarriage but it never happened. I felt stuck and had already missed the 9-week window for the pills.

Weeks went by and after several mental breakdowns, from having to deal with symptoms and my small but visible bump from my parents during the break, my boyfriend reassured me that my happiness was the most important to him and offered to help pay for it.

Religious protesters put me off

Being past the normal period for a medical abortion, we decided to go to the clinic in town and get an estimate for the abortion. I had a friend come with me since my boyfriend was stuck at work, but we were met by protesters spuing hate and bible verses at me.

Being religious myself and already feeling guilty about having to go through with an abortion, I shut down and didn't show up for the appointment I scheduled. At this point I am about 16 weeks pregnant, baby bump is there, growing breasts, the whole nine.

I researched medical abortion up to 20 weeks

I started doing more research because my options were becoming very limited and I didn't want to take dangerous measures but I knew having a child wasn't an option. I read that medical abortion could take place up to about 20 weeks and they were using the abortion pills for it in other countries and I gained a little hope.

I was 18 weeks 5 days by the time I got the pills

I went back to the website that I had previously read about that provided the pill to women, fudged some numbers and illegally obtained them. By the time they came I was 18 weeks and 5 days.

Saturday night - first pill

I took the first pill on a Saturday night. At this point, I wasn't talking to my boyfriend because he had reverted back to asking me to keep the baby.

Monday morning - misoprostol

That Monday morning I began to take the misoprostol. Immediately after waiting the 30 mins to absorb orally, I started having small cramps. I live in a dorm that has a community style bathroom, so being around people was my only option.

I was nauseous and had really bad watery diarrhea. I could honestly barely walk far and was shaking uncontrollably. My roommate was in class so I was by myself through most of the process.

I tried to sit the hot shower water to help with the cramps but they kept getting worse.

The second dose

When it came down for my next dose the pain was manageable so I took the next dose. I was spotting but it was so small I was scared nothing was happening. However, the pain (which I later learned were contractions) was becoming unbearable.

The third dose

Around the time for the third dose, I couldn't take it anymore and I called my friend to bring me to urgent care and to tell my boyfriend to meet me there. On the way, to urgent care, I put the last dose under my tongue and then spit it out when I got there.

Urgent care

The first urgent care I went to did not accept my insurance so we opted to go to a nearby emergency room. About 3 blocks away from the emergency room, I felt a large pressure and felt something pass. When we finally got out the car I felt what seemed to be a big sac push out of me.

The baby just fell into the toilet

My boyfriend and friend helped me inside and while they talked to the lady at the front desk to check me in I went to the bathroom. Once I got to the stall and pulled my pants down water and the baby just fell into the toilet. I knew what to expect previous but I wasn't prepared to see it myself. I couldn't look for long, because I felt so guilty, I didn't even see the gender.

Soon the placenta fell also and the pain immediately subsided. All of my clothes were wet and I didn't want to have to deal with nurses and questions about the baby and my pregnancy. So I threw away my clothes, put on my boyfriend's sweatpants, and we rushed out the back door of the hospital.

I couldn't help but feel guilty

I felt relieved that I wasn't pregnant anymore but couldn't help but feel guilty for it having to go down like it did. The last thing I wanted to do was flush my unborn baby down an emergency room toilet.

It is a little over a week later and now I'm dealing with breast milk production and everything. I knew I made the right decision I just wish that it didn't have to get to that point. There were so many things that I could have done, like using a condom, or take plan b, or not procrastinate and try to fix things by drinking.

It's been hard mentally

This whole ordeal has been hard for me mentally and I'm pretty sure that it will take some time before I mentally accept everything. One thing that is helping is hearing other people's stories who went through something similar, so I hope I can help at least one person by sharing my story.