I think about her 24/7 but I can never picture what she looks like, my mind freezes when I try

It breaks my heart that I am writing this, and what breaks my heart, even more, is that I said goodbye before she got the chance to say hello. I am 19 years old and I had an abortion in June.

From the very moment I found out, I knew keeping the baby wasn't an option. But now I think, why? Why didn't I think about all my options? I had to wait four weeks for my abortion. And those four weeks were the hardest of my life. I remember lying in my bed talking to her, I'd say over and over again "I'm meant to be your mum".

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My abortion was hell and the most emotionally draining experience I've ever had. I will never ever forget the feeling of my dead baby coming out of me, and I will never be able to forget the image of my dead baby with little arms and legs sprawled out on my bathroom floor.

I remember waking up the morning after and a feeling of emptiness overwhelmed me. The father of the baby didn't care, and I guess that's why it's harder. I feel like I have to grieve for both of us.

My baby is the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. I think about her 24/7 but I can never picture what she looks like, my mind freezes when I try.

A part of me died with my baby that day. If I could go back in time, I would.