There were so many other girls there but they didn’t seem emotional like me
"Sometimes being the best mom you can be, is by not being one at all"
I never thought that I’d be the girl who would end up sixteen and pregnant. I always thought that if I did get pregnant for any reason that I would keep the baby and give it the best life I could possibly give them. It wasn’t until I found myself in that same situation that I ended up thinking differently. I went to bed with a baby and woke up without one. But first, let me jump back a few steps.
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In June, I started seeing a guy that I knew from the beginning that my parents weren’t going to approve of. Naturally, that didn’t stop me on any measure. I started lying more and more as my feeling grew and before I knew it I fell in love with him.
By the end of June, our relationship was getting rocky and I left home because things at home were also rocky, so we took a break for a few weeks. Soon enough we were back together but only for a short amount of time. We ended up have an even longer break and it wasn’t until the end of July that we started talking again.
By this point, I was a week late for my period. I didn’t think much of it in the beginning because I had a pregnancy scare with one of my ex-boyfriends just a few months before and I didn’t get my period for a month so I didn’t worry.
It wasn’t until I woke up very nauseous one morning that I realized something was wrong. I joked about being pregnant because I didn’t think I would be.
Finally, I got up the nerve to go buy a pregnancy test. My mind was such a mess because of everything going on that I managed to get into a minor accident. Anyways, I went over to a friends’ house and took the test.
I kept telling myself that I wasn’t pregnant so I didn’t expect to see the pink lines crossing each other. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. I had the biggest decision to make in such a short amount of time. I had just come home so I didn’t want to make things worse.
I did all the research about abortion, adoption and even keeping the baby. At this point in my life having a baby did not make sense at all. Only a woman knows when it’s the right time to bring a baby into the world, and this sure wasn’t one of them.
When I looked into abortions I saw that many women don’t regret their abortions. So I figured that it wouldn’t make a difference to me. Well it turns out I was so wrong on that one. My relationship was rocky at the time but we always managed to figure things out. The only reason why I had a hard time about getting an abortion was because I knew what I and my boyfriend wanted to do.
The night of my abortion was one of the hardest nights of my life. I never expected myself to be in this situation. I tried doing everything that makes me happy when I am sad and nothing was working.
The next morning, I had to wake up at seven and I could hardly do it. At this point, all I could think about was my baby.
I went into the clinic and began my horrible experience. There was so much waiting that made it worse, I’d sit there and think and think and think.
They called me in and I went to talk to the counselor. Well, they call it a councilor’s appointment but that is the farthest thing from what it felt like. They just kept telling me that I was making the right decision and that it made the most sense with where I was at in my life.
She also convinced me to get an IUD. After that they made me change into these ugly looking socks and don’t even get me started on the skirt. And then I did more waiting.
After a while, they called me in to have an ultrasound. The whole time I was praying that she didn’t find a heartbeat. But she found it. And so begins the second round of tears. After that, I did more waiting before they did my blood work.
While I was waiting I looked around and there were so many girls in the same situation. But they didn’t seem to be emotional like me.
They finally called me into the room in which I would get the procedure done. The nurse was so sweet and calmed me down because I was bawling my eyes out. She asked me what I wanted to do after high school and I told her that I wanted my masters in business administration. She kept talking to me about my future while she injected me with a bunch of morphine.
Finally, the doctor came in and started to explain what she was going to do. I could hardly keep my emotions in. I didn’t feel much and I was pretty out of it but I remember looking up and there were 4 nurses surrounding me and were telling me I was doing good and that it was almost done.
Before I knew it I had one of the nurses help me walk to the recovery room. And it was over. I was so drowsy and my blood pressure was lowering.
When they finally let me go I walked out of the room and was blue. I was so cold and felt like I was going to faint. This only lasted about 15 minutes. After that all I could say was that I wanted my baby back, I was on bed rest for 3 or 4 days and it was the most painful few days on my life. Physically and emotionally.
There isn’t a day that I don’t think about my pregnancy. I hope that when I look back 20 years from now I can see that I made the right decision. I learned my lesson the hard way and I never want to go through that pain ever again and I pray to God that I never have to.
I know that the only reason why I kept it together for so long was that I had the support from family and friends. This was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, but I know that I was making it for two people and not just one, and that’s what is going to help me move, on. Knowing that I put a child’s future before my own.
All My Love,
Nik
Forever In My Heart 08/14/15
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