After the abortion I thought I was ok, back again with my old life, but I wasn’t and I’m still not
I got pregnant just after I met this guy. We always practice safe sex but that night, the condom broke and the morning after pill didn’t work. It was silly, it just happened too fast but there was nothing we could do about it, nothing we could have done to avoid it.
We were not ready to keep the baby for a number of reasons (I was 28 then, I turned 29 a few days after)and I never thought of myself as a mother… I wanted to travel and see the world, I wanted to have a good job and maybe go back to study again, I wanted to have fun and hang around with my friends, take care of my cats, go to heavy metal concerts and so on… and moreover, I didn’t like children at all… Or, this is what I used to believe).
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At first, I didn't even want to tell him that I was pregnant, because... well I don't know, but I thought it was stupid and I could face this thing on my own because I am a tough, independent, strong modern-day woman. Finally, I changed my mind and I told him.
We decided not to keep the baby, and even though I was scared, he did not run away but he was very caring and supportive right from the beginning, which made me start thinking that he might have been different than other men (or at least the ones I had), and what I was feeling for him was very strong. I don’t know if it was or it is love, but I was mad about him. And I still am.
Then he went with his friend for the summer holidays and he became distant. I felt like he was slipping away from me. There were moments when I was feeling down and at the same time so angry with him that I would have killed him, but then he always came back to me with a message or with a call and the sun seemed to shine again.
All my previous men would have left me even before I could finish the sentence "I am pregnant". I thought he was not that bad after all. Then the day came.
I remember walking alone in the clinic hallways, because that morning he was not with me, and how miserable I felt to be alone while all the other ladies were accompanied by their men. But I also vividly remember my relief when I saw his face after the intervention, when he came to pick me up, after an 8 hours ride returning from his vacation, followed by 6 hours of work, without rest.
I remember I hugged him like I never hugged anyone else before. He stood with me all day long, and in the evening he left me saying that he would have asked me out for a beer in the next days.
That happened on August 25th, and I haven't seen him again ever since. After that day, he asked me a few time how I was feeling, and if I was ok and we chatted for hours about this and that, but whenever I tried to ask him out again, he avoided the topic. Then he disappeared.
I thought I was ok, back again with my old life, but I wasn’t and I’m still not. Suddenly I realized what happened and I felt miserable. The relief I felt after the intervention was just temporary, but I had a breakdown after. I don’t know if it is for the kid, for what I did, for my dignity as a woman and a mother, or for being left alone by the man who made all this possible.
I was hiding behind the mask of "this was the only possible thing to do and it was the right thing". But why was I the only one with these thoughts? Where was he while I was crying in the middle of the night? Was he feeling the same way I was feeling? Why was I facing this completely alone? I had to ask him and share this pain with him.
He said that even now there are times when he has to stop doing what he's doing and starts thinking about the whole thing. That it still hurts. That he has nothing but good feelings for me, but we need to get over this and keep on living our lives (he didn’t say together or not).
I told him that I agreed with him but if we both feel that way there is no reason not to share our feelings. I told him that I need him desperately, not necessarily as a lover, but as a father, as the only person who could understand what I was going through because we made this thing together.
For me, it was a big effort to say that, because usually I am very shy about my emotions and I avoid expressing my deeper feelings, but I felt better after I did it. Only for a while.
As a result of my confession, he never replied to this last message and now I doubt about the sincerity of each single action he did and each word he said, and I feel so bad, that when I wake up in the morning I don't have the strength to get up off my knees and face another day.
There are days when I'd rather be dead and when I think about him, I feel my heart breaking down in pieces. It hurts so much that everything around me becomes pitch black and I feel like somebody is trying to pull my heart out of my chest and dozens of needles are piercing it.
I keep on repeating myself that he is a good person and that he just CAN'T do this to me, he can't turn his back on me, the woman who has been, even if for just 10 weeks, the mother of his kid. How can a human person be so cruel? Maybe I'm just going too far here, maybe this is just a normal reaction for a man (the so-called "fight or flight")?
I will start therapy this week with the hope to heal my pain one day, but I am afraid I will never be able to completely recover after this shock. Before this, earlier this year I suffered another major loss and I’m struggling hard to survive. I just want to know if there could be a reason behind his behavior, is it a genetic condition that is most common with men or is it just a matter of personality.
Thanks for reading this.
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