It was the hardest decision I've ever made and broke my heart

I fell pregnant aged 20. When I first found out I was over the moon and couldn't have been happier. 

But as time went on me and my partner realised it was not the right time as we weren't settled in our own house, I've just started the job of my dreams and we are not financially stable.

This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life and it broke my heart. I called a clinic which was very helpful and I was given a decision to go ahead with the abortion either before or after my holiday.

I planned to have the medical pill and I was told that I could be heavily bleeding for a while after so I opted to go to the clinic when I came home. 

As soon as I stepped into the clinic the receptionist was so welcoming and lovely but I was just beside myself, feeling a whole mixture of emotions. My partner couldn't come past the point of reception with me as he had to wait in a visitors room in a separate building. This made things much worse for me as I wanted him by my side.

When I was taken in to see the nurse she was very nice but you could also tell she sees the same thing every day. They asked me the reason why I was going through with the abortion. Once again I broke down as I have always wanted a baby and just wished I was in the position to give it a good life.

The nurse then did an ultrasound to see how far pregnant I was. 9 weeks and 4 days is the cut-off limit for the medical pill and the bombshell hit that I was 10 weeks and 3 days. I was shown my scan which was one of the worst possible decisions made - I was being told by people that it was nothing yet, but it was, it was me, it was a massive part of me! I saw the whole shape and all I could feel is, that's my baby.

The nurse told me I could not have the medical pill as I was ahead of the time so it had to be surgical. I have never been put to sleep before, by anaesthetic, so I was a bit apprehensive. I was booked in for the next day.

When I went back the following day the same receptionist was on the desk she reassured my mom and partner that they could go to her and ask about my progression at any time and I could go to the visitor's room to see them in between the consultation and surgery.

As I was sitting in a room full of all different women I was sitting amongst 2 of the most heartless of women. As I was beside myself with guilt and sadness they were sitting there laughing at each other saying how hung over, from drinking over the weekend, they were (disgusting). At this point I was so angry I was feeling so many different emotions.

I was then taken up to get changed. All they asked was for me to take all lower garments off and wrap a medical sarong around my waist. I was then taken to the room just before the surgery room and I once again broke down.

There was a lady nurse in there around the same age as me who was so comforting, she was stroking my arm telling me how everything will be okay. I told her how I felt like a complete b**ch and so heartless and how I wish it was the right time for me.

After all the tears she managed to get a smile out of me and really put me at ease. 10 minutes later I was then taken into surgery where I then felt a bit anxious. Usually, I'm not the type to be afraid of anything, but I didn't know what to feel. I once again felt so guilty and couldn't believe what was happening.

There were 3 nurses in the room, one man performing the surgery, a lady who was really lovely and putting my mind at ease and another gentleman I don't even know why he was there.

The surgeon put a tube into my arm and then inserted the anaesthetic. All I remember was telling them how my face felt tingly then I woke up in a different room. As soon as I woke up I shouted to the nurse quick I need to go to the toilet (I needed a number 2). She told me I couldn't go for about 15 minutes.

It kind of didn't pass through my mind what had just happened for about 10 minutes. I had always read that everyone feels a sense of relief once it's over and I always thought how selfish, but that's exactly how I felt.

But then when I got home it really hit me, the slightest thing and I'd be in tears again, especially when there was a baby on the TV and anything about children, it was horrible to see what I'd lost.

It is now the second day. I had to take 4 antibiotics to prevent infection and I have had a bit of stomach cramp. I haven't had much bleeding at all, only when I go to the toilet for a number 2.

I would definitely suggest the surgical to anyone but please make sure you are 100% before you go through with it and if you can make it work, do, its the best thing someone can ever give you!!