It's as if the pain of my first love is having more of an effect because I got rid of my first baby

I'd always wanted a baby, ever since I was young. The thought of pregnancy and motherhood made me feel like I could be in control one day in life.

At 14 I met this man 3 years older than me and I lost my virginity to him when I was 15 and he was 18. We had been in an on and off relationship for years and after 4 years we finally got into a committed relationship, when I was 18 and he was 21.

However, he now had a 1-year-old son so we juggled our relationship with his son, my college and his work. Everything was fine. Till I fell pregnant.

I found out in mid-June 2015, I was 7 weeks. I was so in love with him that when he felt it best we had a termination, I agreed although I was planning names at that point. He said it was because his son would barely be 2 when we had the baby and things would be hard money-wise.

The first time I said no at the abortion clinic but after he told me we would break up if I didn't and I was scared to lose him so at 11 weeks I had a surgical termination. I felt fine afterwards.

4 days later he broke up with me and the next day I was rushed to the hospital and kept in for 2 nights and they told me I had a Bicornuate Uterus, I would be prone to miscarriage and preterm births in the future. They discharged me after telling me I still had part of the pregnancy left but it would pass.

I was home 1 night before constant pain, sickness and fever kicked in and I was rushed to the hospital and the next day they did an emergency operation to remove the rest of the pregnancy. I was discharged the next day on anti-biotics and iron tablets as my blood level was low because I hadn't eaten since the termination and was getting bloods taken so much.

My break up made the termination unbearable to the point I was suicidal and at one point my ex-partner contacted me 3 days after getting out of the hospital and said he regretted me getting it done.

2 days later I went to his and we had sex twice and he took me out for food and even bought me a cd. Although I was aware we were over, the comfort of being with him took my mind off the past two weeks.

It's as if the pain of my first love is having more of an effect because I got rid of my first baby. I have never been against abortion but if I ever fall pregnant again, planned or unplanned, I will never go through with it again.

I had the support of my family if I went through with the pregnancy so I feel. I've lost over a stone in weight, I was 10 stone 8 and now I'm 9 stone 6, and my doctors gave me sleeping tablets too.

I have never felt so wrong, depressed and alone in all my life.

So if you are going to go through with a termination make sure it is your choice alone, because the pain I feel I would never wish it upon anyone.