Would I decide differently if I'd known what I'd go through?
I was 4 weeks when I found out that I was with a child. My boyfriend and I were in a stable relationship for nearly a year by that time. The baby was unexpected and we did not know what to do.
After talking with the doctor we knew our options. My boyfriend already had a child from his ex-girlfriend so I understood his mixed feelings about it. He never said anything positive to me, that he would like to keep the baby because he thought that I wanted to keep it anyway because that is what mothers do.
But listening to him was the most painful thing to me. After he just said it is my decision and he will support me whatever I decide to do. After that, he lost his job. Then I asked for an appointment in the nearest clinic. I had a medical abortion just about a month ago [More accounts of medical abortion].
When I went there I thought I could do it, that I am strong enough and this is for the best. I was absolutely wrong.
On the second day when I went back to the clinic I inserted 4 pills into me then everything started. The pain was not so bad as I saw other women were suffering more than I did. But when it actually happened, of course, they said try not to look at the "baby" after the termination, but I could not resist looking as my "baby" was in a paper bath on the top of the toilet.
That was the moment when I realised what I had done and that I could never turn the time back. I was really upset after this and I could not talk to anyone. I was on the edge of crying and just running out the clinic and never looking back. After I could be released, at about 3 in the afternoon, I went home.
I spent hours in the bath crying my eyes out. My "baby" died. And there is no way to turn the time back. Would I decide differently if I had known what I would go through? Probably yes. Would I do it again? Absolutely not.
My boyfriend now apologised that he did not say anything positive to me about keeping the baby. But because no one supported me I felt like I had no other choice than just to go through it, maybe it would be "easier" if I would feel like I really had a choice.