I thought of having a newborn & 6-yr-old to take care of with my stomach being cut open and needing brain surgery

I had an abortion 7/16/2015. I am 24yrs old & I have a 6yr old. I never thought I would have another child soon. I was focused on doing things right this time. I was on birth control, working part-time & going to school for medical sonography when I found out I was pregnant with my 6yr old. I was scared, I was only 17yrs old.

I had dreams of travelling and joining the Navy to be a crypto-linguist. Being raised by a single mother I knew what I would go through if I had a child at that age but my worst nightmare came true. My mom left me at Planned Parenthood, she told me "we have to break the chain, you are going to do something better". I felt mixed emotions.

When I got called by the nurse they started the ultrasound right away. I asked how far along I was and the lady said 4 mths. I was shocked. I didn't know I was 4mths.

I ran out of Planned Parenthood. I couldn't go through with it. I felt like I needed to protect my baby. I loved him so much he was a blessing. I wish I knew I would be contemplating going there in the future. That happened in 2009.

Now it's 2015. I met a wonderful German pilot who fell madly in love with me. I never thought I would be in a serious relationship. I was too focused on my priorities and being young. But he showed me he was different, he didn't care if I was a single mother still in school. He liked that I was trying to get an education instead of settling for a low paying job.

We got engaged 2/15/15. We made plans that I was going to focus on school full-time get my degree sooner and maybe stay in the US or move to Germany since his goal was to be an international pilot.

A month later I started having bad headaches. I went to the ER & got diagnosed with Chiari Malformation type 1 and I started developing tons of neurological symptoms. After doing research I knew I needed to have brain surgery.

I consulted with a "Chiari" expert in NY. After the meeting, I got diagnosed with cervical cranial instability as well. I was stuck wearing a hard collar neck brace & popping meds to control the pain. My fiancé and I picked a date to get married soon so I can get on his insurance & get the surgery done.

I noticed my breast started getting tender, I had increased cranial pressure, fatigued and had crying spells. We got a pregnancy test to see if I was since I was a week late but I didn't think much since I had PCOS. He was cooking dinner & I went to the bathroom.

When the test came out positive I cried and screamed no!no!... All these thoughts racing through my head "I can't have a baby I need brain surgery!"," What if I don't do the surgery and go through with pregnancy will it make my symptoms worse?"... my fiancé didn't know what to say. He was quiet and didn't want to upset.

The next day we tried talking about it but it turned into an argument as he wanted me to have the baby. I asked him "How? If my brain's coming out of my head and my neck is collapsing?". He brought up my son and said you didn't abort him right? I told him no because I was healthy and strong.

We kept arguing on and off until we agreed to go by what the neurosurgeon said. 2 neurosurgeons said I need the surgery done but not ASAP. They said with pregnancy I could stay the same or get worse, so they basically left it up to me and gave me the choice.

I couldn't stop leaning towards abortion. I was scared of everything. Money, child-care, my health, the babies health etc... if I were to have the baby the surgeons said it would be by c-section only under general anaesthesia.

I thought of having a newborn & 6yr old to take care of with my stomach being cut open and needing brain surgery a month after that. My fiancé was gone Mon-Fri. I'd moved to a state where I knew no one and I had no family, who would help me? Plus I had to quit my job so I depended on him.

All this felt like it was too much and I decided to go get an abortion. I was 13wks. I went to Planned Parenthood. I didn't feel anything as I was preparing for it.

When they started suctioning it hurt so bad. I felt my heart being sucked out. Afterwards, they put me in the recovery room. I was numb to everything. I wanted to get out fast. Finally, when I got out of the building I started crying and screaming. I got into my car & the emotions hit me HARD. I was crying and hitting the dashboard and banging my head on the steering wheel. I was screaming "what the hell did I do!?", "Why did I do this to my baby!! Why!!!!!".

I felt like an idiot. All the reasons that I kept telling myself were "good" reasons to have the procedure weren't good enough anymore. I got my son out of daycare and went immediately to the ER since the cramps got worse.

I kept crying. They did an ultrasound and I still had parts in me, they gave me meds to expel them & told me I had to go back after 3 days for a recheck to see if it worked.

The chaplain came in, I started crying my eyes out. He told me I needed to forgive myself and ask for forgiveness.

Its been 2 days, I'm still sore and in pain, and I can't stop crying on and off. I know this will haunt me for the rest of my life. I miss my baby. I wish the Drs would have made me feel more safe about having the baby with my condition but they didn't.

I already have one child and I needed to make sure I was going to be able to take care of him and my future children once I have my brain surgery. I know having an illness makes it difficult especially when you don't have good Drs. I wish I would have fought harder and switched Drs until I found one I could trust and who could assure me that they knew what to do with me and the baby as I would have my baby still.