I had my first abortion when I was 17 - I wanted the baby and kept it secret for a long time

My first abortion was at 17 years old

I had my first abortion when I was 17. I wanted the baby and so kept it a secret for a long time. I had been promiscuous. My mum was hardly ever there and, plus, she had her own problems, but I knew she would go mad if she found out. In the end I told her because it became impossible to hide my bump.

All she really seemed to care about was the fact that there was no father. I asked her if she would support me but it was clear what she wanted.

I kept putting the appointment off. I remember being in tears and trying to think of any way I could have my baby. Maybe if I went to college, stopped going out? I was prepared to do anything.

Abortion at nearly 20 weeks pregnancy

Everyone told me abortion was the best thing. By the time I had my abortion I was nearly 20 weeks. I would have thought a doctor would not let this happen. After all I didn’t even want to but no questions were asked and I went for a two day stay at the clinic.

Before the abortion I felt it kick

I remember before I went down for my first part of the abortion I was sure I felt it kick. I told the nurse and she said it was just my stomach. I told my mum after the nurse said it wouldn’t have been, but how would they know?

After the abortion I drank in the day and cried all the time

Afterwards I got worse. I drank in the day crying all the time, wondering what my baby would have looked like. The only time my mum ever spoke about this was to say I had done the right thing, but I felt I didn’t.

A year later I was pregnant again.

I told the father who didn’t believe it was his. I wanted to keep it but my mum hit the roof when she found out. So I moved in with friends, moving home to home.

Why was I at the same abortion clinic again, at 14 weeks pregnant

My mum didn’t agree and told me so. Eventually she came round after a lot of trouble. Although I know she didn’t want me to be a single mum at 18, I went to the scan and had antenatal appointments.

So why did I find myself at the very same clinic at 14 weeks?

I remember wanting to scream, 'No!'

Just before I was put to sleep I remember seeing a girl run out of the clinic and wishing I was as brave as her, wishing I could have the guts to stand up for my own baby but I didn’t. I did what I was supposed to do.

After my second abortion I binged on food

Afterwards I binged on food. My mum caught me and went mad. I remember when I got back from the clinic, I had a massive anxiety attack and didn’t know how I was going to get myself through it but I did.I numbed myself and drank more and more.

At 21 I had a miscarriage

When I was 21 I had a miscarriage. This time I was with someone who would be there in person but not emotionally.

I remember being sad when I had a miscarriage but pretending it was ok. I stuffed my feelings away and binged on food for two weeks afterwards pretending in my head that I was still pregnant.

My mum seemed impatient with me this time although she came with me to the hospital and so I thought this meant she 'was being there' for me.

My relationship broke up soon after as he reminded me what I couldn’t have.

I started using drugs and became bulimic

I then started to take drugs heavily in the years that followed - cocaine and ecstasy on top of anything else I could get my hands on. I became bulimic, pretending I was having fun but really I was dying inside.

I met my next boyfriend when I was 25 and within two months we agreed to have a baby. I came off the pill and was really happy - finally I got my dream.

It didn’t happen though and I went back on the pill because I slowly started to realise his behaviour towards me was bad.

I continued an on/off relationship with him for a few years. I couldn’t let go because I thought who would want me? So I put up with his behaviour, my eating disorder and drink and drug problem and carried on.

I lied and said I was pregnant

My friend had an abortion one time. I went along with her and then a few months later, I found myself lying and telling my boyfriend I was pregnant. He carried on giving me drugs but the way he treated me changed. He was more loving towards me.

I lied again and said I had a miscarriage

I lied again and told him I had a miscarriage. I then cut off from everyone.

I started to rebuild my life and stopped drinking so heavily and stopped taking drugs. I carried on binge eating and although I didn’t realise at the time became very depressed.

I bumped into my ex and before I knew it I was back to square one, except this time I fell pregnant.

My mum hated this bloke and I was too scared to tell her I was back with him as she told me it was her or him.

A third abortion at 6 weeks of pregnancy

He behaved the same as her - aggressive and nasty to me, so I went and had an abortion.

I was six weeks and so didn’t feel pregnant. I didn’t allow myself time to question whether I did the right thing. I just did.

After that, all I could do was stay in bed getting up only to snort coke and drink.

I ballooned in size, was always depressed and my panic attacks went through the roof. I was even snorting painkillers by this point. I didn’t value myself at all.

I stayed with my boyfriend and whenever I tried to talk about it, I cried. He told me not to. He felt I had taken his choice away from him, but how would I have coped?

Another pregnancy

I found myself being promiscuous again and a year later was pregnant again. I wanted to keep it and protect it.

However, I found out I was further gone than I thought which made it another man’s baby. I didn’t care. I still wanted to keep it. I looked into maternity and everything. He told me he and his family would not welcome it.

I didn’t even want a boyfriend - just a father for my baby like I never had but he gave me the money for an abortion. A man who didn’t have a lot of money was so desperate to get rid of it. He gave me his week’s wages and holiday money. I couldn’t be bothered to fight anymore. My mum and I were not speaking by this point and I felt so alone.

My mum drove me to the clinic for a fourth abortion

The only time my mum would 'support' me was to drive me to the abortion clinic.

My dream of a baby was gone. I numbed myself and cried for days and days. I even got as far as the operating table then jumped off.

I wanted to keep it, but my head told me I couldn’t. How could I support a baby on my own with no family? I was in debt on my own and had just been attacked by my ex-boyfriend. He had smashed glass in my face and threatened to kill me. Did my baby deserve that?

So the next day I switched off and got through. I went home and laughed with my friend and moved into a new flat over the weekend, but every night since I have thought about my baby.

I’ve ruined all my chances by the age of 27

I cry myself to sleep and my life feels like it is in tatters, yet on the outside you would think I’m ok. I struggle to believe I’ll ever be able to have a baby. I’m disgusted with myself for not having the strength to see it through.

I wish I had someone to speak with, I wish I had a nice boyfriend, not the one I have. I want a baby, a baby that will feel loved. I think I’ve ruined any chances of that though. I feel I’ve had my chances and ruined them all by the time I’m 27.