I was too worried about what could've happened - I'd give anything to have had that child

I'm 36 years old. I was a happy mother of 2. My oldest being 7 and youngest being 5.

I never planned on having a family. The doctors told me I would never have a family, which I have now come to the terms it was because of my pill addiction.

After not taking care of business we became pregnant again for the 3rd time and I was elated. We had a beautiful baby girl. And 2 years later was blessed with a boy. We were done. Yet I longed for 1 more.

5 years later I was pregnant with our last. Selfishly I didn't want to start over. Neither did my husband. He was MAD!

We talked about it and 3 days later I was at an abortion clinic.

I must have been the oldest there, but am sure I wasn't the only one there with the feelings of stress there.

How did I come to be the happiest mother of 2 to being so confused?

I found out I was almost 6 weeks along. And I called my husband crying. Hoping he would give me EVERY reason to not go through with it, yet he gave me every reason to do it.

I cried and the Dr. told me to think about yet and I didn't listen. I made a spur of the moment decision and said I'll do it. Not thinking about the negative consequences of it.

I never thought at that time that I would hate myself through this. I can't even look him in the eye. My heart aches at what could have been, yet I was too worried about what could have happened. I would give anything to have had that child.

I should have read about EVERYTHING! Yet I was looking for a quick fix. And what did that get me... nothing but depression... and what if's.

I wish I would have kept my baby. I would rather be poor with nothing than to feel sad with nothing. :(