Don't think we rejected you or didn’t love you

Dear Sem, there’s a theory that children choose their parents before they are born. I don't believe it but the idea that you picked us is such a sweet one, it makes me sad.

I don't want you to think we rejected you or that we didn’t love you.

I loved you from the first moment I realised you were there. It was the first of December 2013, a date I will never forget.

I've never told anyone this. I made it seem like you didn't mean anything to me but you did. From the very beginning.

I still have visions of me holding and talking to you. You look like your dad lol.

Like I said I don't believe the theory because as much as we wanted you Sem we wouldn't have made good parents. Not now.

Your daddy is a good person but in no way ready to be a father. No way, no how. I could never trust him with you. I couldn't even trust myself with you. I am an incomplete person. An incomplete person cannot raise the complete and wonderful person that you deserved to be.

There’s so much I wanted for you and I have none of it to offer.

I can’t be the mother I want to be because I'm not the person I want to be. I don't know how long it will take for me to be that person but I know to be someone’s mum is not something to be taken lightly.

I admit I rushed into the decision not to have you but I truly believe that I would have come to the same conclusion with more time.

I’m glad it was done before your little heart started beating and before you truly became you. You're called Semilla because you were our little seed and now you’ll always stay that way. Not quite a baby but forever a memory. You are perfection incarnate.

I hope you know that I'm going to do everything in my power to use this time wisely.

Not having you isn't something I'm taking lightly. 

I will become the woman I wanted to be for you and I will do the things that I would have wanted to prepare for you.

There’s not been a day that I haven't thought about you. I will never forget you. You are my most perfect seed and my life’s inspiration.

I love you,

Mum