I had a medical termination when I was 9 weeks pregnant with twins

I had a medical termination when I was 9 weeks pregnant with twins. I am on the anti-baby-pill for several years and was quite confused when I missed my period last month. My partner and I been on vacation and I expected it every day but nothing happened. Besides that, I felt very emotional and kind of confused about myself.

I was certain it's impossible to get pregnant on the pill

Back home I bought a pregnancy test even though I was still certain that it's impossible to get pregnant on the pill, especially since I am very accurate about the time I take it (even calculating time differences as I am travelling a lot workwise).

When we saw the positive pregnancy test both of us were very shocked. I am not in a moment to have children and wasn't even sure if I ever wanted to.

My partner is quite certain about not wanting kids so I knew if I would keep it I'd be on my own, except financial help from him.

Things were emotional and confusing

The following days have been very emotional and confusing to me. I flew to Europe to work but as nausea kicked in I wasn't able to (working in performing arts I wasn't able to do rehearsals). So I stayed with my parents who were really supportive and expressed their support no matter what decision I am gonna make.

Being told how both scenarios affect your life was helpful

I caught up with good friends to discuss my situation, which made me feel a lot better as I have some very close friends back home which I miss having over here. A few of them have a child and had an abortion before, so it was helpful to be told how both scenarios affect your life. However, the same situation is always different compared to other people's lives and I kept struggling.

The following week I thought about all possible scenarios and what I was expecting from my life at the moment, what I could afford etc. Being pregnant I wouldn't have been able to continue with my work the way it is at the moment and I'd definitely had to move away close to my parents (to have support) who are not living in the UK like I do at the moment.

We decided termination of pregnancy was best

Back in the UK my partner and I had several conversations and decided that it was the best to terminate the pregnancy for everyone involved, including the unborn child. I knew it was the right thing to do even though there was a huge gap between reasoning and emotions.

We went to our GP and told her about our current situation. She was very understanding and didn't seem to try pushing me in any direction, which I was a bit worried about. She explained me about the medical termination and that it was still early enough to do so. I was sent home and had to wait for an appointment at the clinic to get the pill.

It seemed a long time to wait for the termination appointment

Unfortunately, the appointment was 10 days later, which seemed a long time to wait. During that time I had so many ups and downs and the morning sickness went absolutely worse. I basically spent more time on the toilet than elsewhere. On many days I couldn't even keep water. I was looking forward to feeling better and felt relieved when we went to the clinic to start with the first pill.

When we arrived there I was quite upset but the nurses were really nice and my partner was very supportive and showed a lot of sympathy for my inner confusion.

The nurse asked if I knew I had a heart-shaped womb and called for a second opinion

When we went for the scan the nurse couldn't see clear and had to do a vaginal scan. It felt like ages that she was looking at the screen trying to figure out in which week I was. She asked me if I was told I had a heart-shaped womb before as it seemed to look that way. I haven't heard about it before but got a bit worried when she told me she would need a second opinion and had to call someone. I thought I am seriously ill.

I saw a fetus on the screen and it said 'twin A'

Another person (not sure if it was a nurse or a doctor) came and said that she can confirm her diagnosis. Until then I didn't know what everyone was talking about. I was told to put on my clothes again and that I had to do the smear for a chlamydia test. I got up and could see the screen where I saw a fetus that was measured. Underneath it said 'twin A' but by that time (god knows why) I didn't realise what that means (even though it's obvious). I just felt paralysed and everything seemed unreal.

A doctor told me I was 8 weeks pregnant with twins

When I came back from the toilet a doctor wanted to see me. My partner and I went together and he said I was 8 weeks pregnant with twins. Hearing that I totally broke down. I cried and felt like everything around me breaks together.

I wasn't in the right state to make a decision

I don't really remember what happened, like what the doctor or my partner said but I know that I was sent home again as it was obvious I wasn't in a state to make a decision. I was told that I had to come back the next day as this would be my last day for a medical termination but that I should be certain about my decision and that I could call and talk to someone if I needed further help/advice.

My reasons to not have a child were the same for one as it was for two

Even though I am 30 years old the only thing I could think of was phoning my mum, which I did. We had a chat about it all and I realised that my reason not to have one child at the moment is not gonna change because it is now two. I think the word 'twins' have made me picture actual children while before I was talking about a fertilised egg.

The next day I took the first pill

So we went back the next day and even though I cried all the time I took the first pill. As my morning sickness was very bad I struggled not to be sick. Thankfully I didn't go through emotional struggle that day like many other women did judging by what I read on here.

And the day after that the second treatment

Not even 24 hours later I had to go the clinic to receive the second treatment. Unfortunately, my partner wasn't allowed in, which would have had helped me a lot.

The nurse, who was very kind, inserted the tablets vaginally and gave me an injection for my sickness. After about 30 minutes the pain started and I took painkillers that were already placed on my bed.

The nurse gave me another injection for the pain

Unfortunately, it took me only 5 minutes to spit them out again. The nurse gave me another injection for pain and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes. After that, I suffered from really bad cramps accompanied my constant vomiting. I had to go to the toilet but wasn't able to walk myself anymore due to the pain and dizziness. The nurse took me to the bed-pan in the bathroom and by that time I was bleeding heavily. I felt blood and clots/tissue coming out and I thought it's never gonna stop.

After a while, felt a little less pain and the nurse gave me a pad and asked me to lay down in bed again. I remember she gave me another two pills I had to swallow and I had a bit of tea hoping I wasn't going to be sick again.

I slept again for a bit and went to the toilet with extremely painful stomach cramps. It was about the same procedure as before but with much heavier pain. I went back to bed and the nurse said I hadn't passed all and she would ask me again to go to the bathroom in a while.

The pain got worse and I asked for another injection

Back in bed, the pain got so worse that I called the nurse asking for another injection for the pain. She said that I have expulsive pains now and it would be best to try again pushing. I remember thinking that this can't be normal and thought I am going to just pass out.

I pushed on the toilet while having a bowl in my hand where I was vomiting in and I didn't know which was the worst.

After a while, the pain disappeared and I changed my pad to go back to bed.

I saw the fetus very clear in a sac

When I turned around I looked in the toilet and saw the fetus very clear in a sac

That was nothing I had expected to see and I wasn't prepared for it at all. All I read and was told before was it will be a heavy period. I knew from the hospital that one fetus was 20, one 22mm, so it shouldn't have been a surprise that I could actually see it but expected it to be not so clearly visible as there was so much blood.

I'll never get that picture out of my mind

I will never be able to get that picture out of my mind and can only advise everyone NOT to look in the pan.

I had a tea and my partner came to pick me up. I passed some more tissue at home and from n it was only heavy bleeding.

I felt very weak for about 3-4 days and still had little pain. Once I recovered from the physical experience I started to think about what I've seen and immediately felt very selfish and guilty. I can't sleep at night and am basically grieving feeling so bad about what I've done.

I still feel very guilty

I am not catholic, not are my parents or anyone in my close circle but I still feel very guilty and keep wondering if I couldn't have managed it somehow, knowing that it was the right decision to make. My emotions are just very far away from my reasoning and I feel absolutely sad. To me it is a struggle that I only seen one fetus and haven't even looked at the other.

I keep apologising every night for having been unfair and keep explaining that it wasn't the right time. Even though I am not religious I hope they can still somehow hear me.

I've requested counselling - you should be aware of unexpected emotions kicking in

As I suffer from too much sadness and insomnia I had to request a counselling appointment which will be next week. Hopefully, I am gonna feel a little better about myself. I can only advise going through an abortion if you are 100% sure about it. Maybe it is never possible but you should be aware of unexpected emotions kicking in.

A medical termination is something I'd only do in the very early weeks (maybe up to 6). Seeing a 2 cm embryo shape in a toilet is nothing I wish to anyone. You will forget about the pain it's something bearable but wouldn't do it at home, especially not when you are alone.

I feel sorry for those going through this alone

I feel very sorry for everyone having to go through this on their own, which a lot of women have on this site. I couldn't have done without my parents and especially my partners help.

He is doing his best to make me feel better about myself and keeps reminding me of our reasons while still being understanding about how I feel. He is always there during my emotional outbursts trying everything to cheer me up. I couldn't wish for anyone better in this situation.

I do believe there is a huge difference between men and women going through this as it's only the woman having to deal with the hormones and the fact someone died inside her body. I personally don't think a relationship has to break over an abortion when you accept that it takes time to recover from it. However, I can imagine that it's different when you are very young like most girls on here.