I'm a 22 year old college senior and had my first and hopefully only abortion last week

Hi, Im a 22 year old college senior and I had my first and hopefully only abortion last week. Where do I start?

Well for one instead of writing 2 midterm papers, I'm here writing my story because I can't concentrate and I think writing everything out will help me move on even if only just a little.

I have always been the "good girl" in my family even though I'm probably not. But to my family, I was a studious, nice, possibly non-sexually active person. Especially to my father. This stood out in my neighborhood where most of the girls including my own family members and childhood best friend had babies in high school or before 25, were single mothers, and did not go to college.

Also coincidentally these girls did not have father figures in their lives. I've always told myself that I did not want to be another statistic and end up like them.

Then tragedy struck me this May when my father passed away from a long battle with cancer. My whole life changed so instantly because I was such a daddy's girl and I was a good girl for him mostly.

I hated and still hate college but he wanted to see me succeed so I stayed instead of dropping out. Also since I lived with him and don't have a job to support myself, I moved in with my mother.

A month after my father's passing my friend suggested I should have some fun this summer and she encouraged me to go on a date with her boyfriend's friend. I wasn't expecting much out of it but thought what the heck, why not have someone to distract me for the summer.

I ended up falling in love with him quickly and we're still together.

I was very very very stupid in past relationships and did not use condoms most of the time but I've never gotten pregnant. I began to think something was wrong with me and I couldn't have children. Though this thought made me sad, for the time being it was okay because I hate condoms.

Still very stupid I did not use condoms with this boyfriend even though he had gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant before. I knew it could happen to anyone and I'm not supposed to assume it couldn't happen to me but I was so sure I was a rare case. Stupid, I know.

Since late September I had felt the pregnancy symptoms of frequent urination, nausea, light then no period, and possibly pelvic pain. My boyfriend also commented on how my breasts were larger than before but I didn't see what he was talking about. He even thought I was pregnant but I denied it.

Though pregnancy was a possibility in my mind I thought I had everything else besides that and was going to make a doctor's appointment.

Two Friday's ago, after a date with my boyfriend, I decided on a whim to buy two 99 cent pregnancy tests just so I could rule out that possibility for sure. When I got home I was so anxious to use one so I did.

When I first saw the two lines appear, I just stared at it and thought "no." That was all. I didn't fully believe it because I didn't use morning pee so I thought it was a false positive. Also the test was cheap so maybe it was defective.

I called my boyfriend that moment anyways and he told me to not worry then encouraged me to get some rest and to test again in the morning. I just think he wanted to sleep honestly. I had a hard time falling asleep but finally did after convincing myself it was a false positive.

The next morning, I tested again and got the same result. That was when it sunk in a bit and I began to have a sort of panic attack. Also after I read that test, I somehow really began to feel pregnant. Even my breast all of the sudden became sore.

I refused and still refuse to talk to my mother about it so I decided to go to my boyfriend's house. He seemed so detached from the situation but was still supportive at the same time. Maybe because he went through this a couple of times before.

I knew what I had to do from the moment I was sure I was pregnant. I've known already that my boyfriend did not want a baby because he was not ready. He has a part time job, doesn't make a lot of money and lives in a small apartment with two family members.

I also knew he wasn't prepared because though he is 26 he still lives a "younger" life. I knew I wasn't ready because though I love babies and can't wait to be a mother someday, I'm not ready financially. I don't even have a job. And though by the time I would have given birth, I would have already graduated from college but I knew I still would not be ready by then.

I was so very sure an abortion was the right thing to do even on the day of the procedure which was four days after I found out I was pregnant.

My boyfriend had work that day and for the rest of the week. He told me he asked his boss for a rescheduling but couldn't receive it. Though he wasn't there for me physically that day he texted me as much as possible and put me at ease.

Though the one I went to was very nice, the overall abortion clinic experience is something I don't ever want to go through again. The long wait, the blood taking, the poking and prodding, the pain!

Before the actual procedure I had a sonogram and was told I was 5 weeks pregnant. I had been pregnant for 5 weeks and refused to notice it. My boyfriend knew before me!

I heard you shouldn't look at the sonogram image before an abortion or else you'll change your mind but I looked anyways. I didn't see anything though. I became more attached to it after hearing I was 5 weeks not by looking at the picture. Though I felt a bit more attached, I decided to still go through with the procedure because I was still sure I had to do this.

It was most painful experience ever

I regret not bringing someone with me because since I didn't I had to use local anesthesia but I was okay with that until the extreme pain came. It felt 50 times worse than period cramps. I wanted to pass out so badly but I also felt I should stay awake as a sort of punishment for what I was doing.

Recovery was harsh too but eventually the physical pain went away.

That night at my boyfriend's house though, I experienced my first big emotional pain. "I killed my baby" was my first thought and I started bawling from then as my boyfriend held and try to comfort me.

Every bone in me regretted what I did.

I was so calm and so sure before and now here I was full with grief, regret, and hatred for myself and my boyfriend. I was so sad that I could not turn back time and change my actions. And what's crazy is that if I did have that power, I wouldn't prevent myself from getting pregnant, I would probably prevent myself from having an abortion.

As I was crying I thought about and told my boyfriend many things.

Like if I had kept it, he/she would have been born in May, a year after my father's death. Plus I've always wished I was born in May since I love May weather. I wondered if it would have been a boy or a girl. I thought about names. Everything. I thought I was supposed to have that baby after all.

Here I am a week later and I'm still feeling the pain from before but I am also trying to rationalize more. I even told a couple of family members like my half-sister and niece who had a son at 19 a couple of years ago. My sister had my niece at 15. I also told my sister's mother who I thought of more like my own mother. I am happy I told them. They were very comforting and supportive. I need that during this week. I've cried off and on these past 7 or 8 days.

I keep thinking why couldn't I have kept it

Its not like I would still be in college and most likely I would have had a job by then even if it's not in my major. Then I try to rationalize.

I would have been a mother before my 23rd birthday. I would graduate from college pregnant and would only get a few months of "freedom" before giving birth. And even if I had a job, babies are expensive.

Also knowing my boyfriend does not want children right now, I probably would end up a single mother. I would probably end up like most of the girls in my neighborhood. Then after I think these things, I feel bad again because I come off as selfish and heartless.

I often wonder if my father was still alive, would I have even gotten pregnant. Probably not because when he was here and I was living with him, I didn't go on many dates. I was a couch potato and gamer. I probably wouldn't have had my boyfriend.

I also sometimes blame my boyfriend in my mind. If he had encouraged me to keep it, I would have felt better about keeping it. But no amount of blame or what if's can erase the past. In my heart of hearts I know I did the right thing and I know to be more careful.

But I think I will forever carry that guilt. I aborted my would-have-been first born. What comforts me though is that when I do have my first born, I will be able to give him or her a much better life than this one would have had. I am also comforted by my belief that my father is taking care of my baby in heaven and that one day if God forgives me, I will see my father again and meet my baby for the first time.

Editor's Comment

Feeling of guilt and regret, and wondering what might have been, often come from your heart and indicate some of your longings if circumstances had not felt so pressurising. It's often hard to come to terms with these painful emotions, and I would encourage you to get some post abortion help and support to help you move on.