My agonising private surgical abortion at 7 weeks 4 days

I recently submitted a poem about the abortion that I had, seeing it published on this site, made me feel able to tell my story.

I was his "other woman", I was his best friend. I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. We didn't plan any of what happened, it was so in the moment and spontaneous. We had six wonderful months together, at the time being his other woman didn't matter to me because he never made me feel like I was.

I fell pregnant, ironically, on the weekend that he left her to be with me. By the time I found out I was pregnant, he had gone back because she was blackmailing him and refusing contact with his children.

We found out I was pregnant, I already knew, I was tearful and not myself and with two children already and having had two miscarriages, despite being lucky enough to never suffer with morning sickness, I knew.

I rang him.... I wasn't allowed to ring him until he'd given me the ok to do so, but this day I didn't care. I rang him and told him and hung up.

We talked for hours and hours and hours in the following days about what we were going to do.

He decided.

Abortion was what he wanted, I sobbed and told him that I couldn't do it

He said to me, "It's not what we want but it's the right thing to do".

Those words still sound in my ears today. He promised me the world, he promised me that we would have our baby one day, but we couldn't do it now. It wasn't fair to my children or his straight after their families had been broken.

I phoned BPAS, they gave me an appointment for Saturday 20th February 2010 at 9am.

The night before we went, we had to stay with friends to reduce our travelling time, as we lay in bed together that night, he held me tight and put his hand on my tummy and told our baby that we both loved her very much.

The next morning, I drove us to Liverpool in silence.

We arrived at the clinic and "checked in". Because we had paid privately, we were shown to a private waiting area. I was called through almost immediately, and one memory I have is taking my bags with me into every single room that I went into.

I went through and he waited for me outside.

I sat and spoke to the "counsellor" and told her I needed it to happen, she took my history and note of the problems I was experiencing with my ex partner at this time as he was making my life hell.

She gave me a booklet and told me to wait in the waiting room.

I sat down next to him and we flicked through the book.... it was then that I realised they had decided but not told me I was having a surgical abortion and that they were going to put me under general anaesthetic. I remember looking at him in horror about the GA, he called the counsellor and said "She can't have a GA, she's got a phobia of GA!"

The truth was, he couldn't drive and we both knew that I wouldn't be able to drive after an anaesthetic.

The counsellor looked at us in shock and said "So you really want to have this done without being asleep? Do you realise how hard that will be for you? I'll have to check the surgeon whose in today will do is under a local for you!" I sat down and just cried, he held me and whispered that it was going to be okay and not to worry.

About an hour later....

I was called through by a horrible lady, again taking my bags, I went and she explained she had to scan me. I was dreading this. I lay on the bed and she began the scan with the screen turned away from me, she was pressing really hard on my tummy and it was so painful.

Tears fell as she looked around. The smell of the gel and the sounds of the machine reminded me of my previous pregnancies when I'd been scanned and felt nothing but pure joy and happiness and how different this was and how my man wasn't allowed in to hold me while I felt like I was dying inside.

She announced that I was seven weeks and four days pregnant

She told me I needed the test to find out my blood group and despite me informing her SEVERAL times that I have had two babies, two miscarriages and numerous blood tests and know my blood group, she insisted.

Then she questioned my decision for a local anaesthetic.

I walked out of the room disorientated and couldn't find my way back to the waiting room. When I got back there, he looked at me and I'll never forget the way his eyes looked, so full of pain and heartache.

We waited some more, and then I was called by a doctor. He was nice but intimidating and tutted and sighed when I mentioned my previous pregnancies and miscarriages. He agreed to the abortion for me, advising a general anaesthetic which I refused again.

I went back into the waiting room and waited some more, then I was called by the loveliest lady I had seen that day, surprise surprise... she was the admin assistant and was taking my £600 payment!

I went back and sat with him, when a nurse called me. It was 11am by now. I went with her and she made me sign some papers and then gave me some pain relief. I asked her if my partner could come with me to theatre and she said No, you have do go by yourself. I was also asked if I was completely sure that I only wanted a local anaethetic.

I went back to the waiting room and told him and he was devastated.

At 11.50am, I was called. We both stood up and followed a nurse, she also had two girls who were having NHS abortions with her.

She told me to say goodbye to my partner and then follow her up the stairs

We stood at the bottom of the staircase and he held me tighter than ever before and told me how much he loved me.

I went up the stairs and the nurse showed me to a cubicle and told me to undress and put my nightie on and like a sanitary towel belt... I'd never seen one of these before.

I was given a suitcase to put all my belongings in, the girls having NHS abortions, were given a binbag.

I sat and waited, whilst hearing over and over and over again "That lady is only having a local anaesthetic!"

At 12.10pm, they called me.

I was completely fine, the nurse took me into a small room and asked me to lie on the table, I had a blanket or something over me and as I removed it she chuckled as I was wearing a Betty Boop nightie and she said "Sorry it's not you, but I've seen that nightie about 50 times this week" - I had only bought it the previous evening.

I lay down and she held my hand tightly and smiled and told me I was brave. The surgeon entered the room, he was a foreign man, maybe Spanish and he confirmed again that I only wanted a local anaesthetic.

The nurse said to me they were going to move me now and to close my eyes as the lights were bright. I closed my eyes and felt like I woke up somewhere completely different. The noise, the number of people, the smell, everything was so strange and alien.

The bottom of the bed was removed and I could feel all different people's hands on me. There was a man on my right hand side, he introduced himself as Martin and smiled, he explained he had to scan me whilst they performed the operation. As he said this, my heart broke and I couldn't stop the tears.

The nurse on my left said to me, "Are you sure you want this?". And I said "Yes". I remember being told to relax over and over, I felt the injection in my cervix to numb it, but the pain was unreal, it hurt so so much. I could feel the scanner on my tummy, Martin had hold of one of my hands, the nurse held the other, another nurse wiped my tears away.

The noise was horrendous. I could hear the suction, I could feel everything

I felt the dilation rods going in, I felt the baby being pulled out of my womb. I looked at Martin next to me, and as I did he nodded to the surgeon and all of the things that were inside me were removed.

A pad was strapped to me, a suppository inserted and I was wheeled out.

It felt like an eternity but had only been about 10 minutes.

In the recovery room, I lay sobbing, a nurse approached me and asked what I was upset about because hadn't I just got what I wanted? They moved me to anot