A surgical abortion at 18 weeks and 3 days after a contraception failure

I had a surgical abortion on 21/09/2011. I am now wondering if I made the right choice. I was 18 weeks and three days when I went for it, I had only known I was pregnant for just over a week. I'd had no pregnancy symptoms until I missed my last period, but I'd been feeling run down since starting a new job and had been swapping back and forth from nights to days and put it down to that. I think I'm still in a state of shock that I was actually pregnant [other stories about surgical abortion»].

My ex-partner and I had been using condoms but one split and I took the morning after pill the next day

I had a normal period a few weeks later, then started my new job and although I was having very heavy periods for the next 2 months they were only lasting a day or 2.

My ex and I split up just after I started my new job, we hadn't been together very long and the hours I was working meant we could possibly see each other once a week. I now keep wondering if we had stayed together whether he would have wanted me to keep it...

I made a doctors appointment because I'd skipped a period, was feeling run down from work and wasn't sleeping properly. The doctor went through my periods with me since the morning after pill and told me it doesn't sound like I was pregnant but I should go home and take a test to put my mind at rest.

As soon as I got home I took one and within a matter of seconds 2 lines had come up. I felt sick and confused and tried to call my doctor straight back but was told by reception to call again the next day.

I called my ex that night (the first time we'd spoken in nearly 3 months) and he told me he wasn't ready to be a father and I should look into abortion.

I called my doctors' the next day and spoke to a different doctor but he was very helpful and calming and said he'd book me in for a scan asap, but that would still be next week. He must have told them what it was for as they didn't offer to let me see my baby, I was 17 weeks and 2days.

I called my doctors' back straight away and was told to call back again the next morning. I didn't get to speak to the doctor I'd been dealing with and as soon as I mentioned I'd like to look into abortion this doctors attitude towards me changed, he made me feel like scum and told me I might be too far along now anyway.

As soon as I was off the phone I broke down. He called back a few minutes later and even though I could barely speak I was crying so much he was still really rude to me. I was told my local hospital wouldn't do a termination after 12 weeks and I should search the internet for b.p.a.s. and wished 'good luck with that'.

It took another week to get my consultation with b.p.a.s. but the staff there were so nice about everything, they rushed me through to get an appointment for the next day as it was the only day they had a surgeon in that week and the next week I would have been over 19 weeks and their cut off point.

I went in there for the consultation knowing I wanted an abortion as I didn't want to be a single mum on benefits.

I went in there the next day for a surgical abortion willing myself to say stop. I never did. I had a week and four days knowing I was pregnant and I think I'd grown a little attached. I now feel empty inside and keep doubting my choice, but it was my choice and if maybe I'd been braver I wouldn't be writing this now. I am prepared to live with my choice but I won't ever be making that choice again.