Reading Lifeline gave me another lifeline

I had been with my boyfriend for two years, taking the pill and and a chest infection came along and so did the antibiotics which stops the pill from working.. the doctor either didn't tell me or I didn't listen correctly.

So I found out I was pregnant after taking my pills for two months straight and then not having a period...

4 tests later and it still wasn't changing...

18 years old and 11 weeks pregnant

I WAS pregnant and was 18.

I called the doctor's the next day to confirm the pregnancy and then went to hospital to have a scan done (they did turn off the screen and sound which was really nice of them) I was told I was 11 weeks pregnant.

I was on the pill, this shouldn't happen to me I said to my boyfriend and mum.

He stood by me the whole time and said what ever decision I made he would make with me...so we made it together.

We didn't want to bring a child into this world without money behind us and wedding rings. That was made after around 4 days of finding out (I called in sick to work for a long time)

So I had to go to London which is around 1 hours drive away from where we live, it was the most silent car journey I have ever been in.

The ladies at BPAS were nice and tried to understand. I was asked many questions to make sure I was the person who had decided and not anyone else which was good, they also had to do a scan and again turned the screen and volume off.

I had to go back a week later for a surgical abortion, which if I'm honest wasn't pleasant, it really was one in - one out all day, which shows you 'YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY PERSON HAVING AN ABORTION'

I had been taken upstairs in this BPAS place which was a old converted house to a room which I can only describe as a changing room in a clothes shop, we had to wait there to be called in (waiting behind a curtain in a cubicle) I was called in by the nurses and was told to lay down on the bed.

I was taken into the operating theatre and saw all the things they use which wasn't pleasant one bit.

After that had all been done I came round and was taken through to a waiting area which looked like a living area in a old people's home with all the big chairs and all the girls just sitting there looking at each other recovering.

My boyfriend was waiting for me downstairs as no-one is allowed with you after you go upstairs.

I went home and by this time I was still off work (sick). I was having real bad tummy pains afterwards and on the paper work BPAS gave me they said it was normal to have period pains - this was 100 times more painful but I thought I would just leave it as I was ashamed and didn't want to tell anyone why I had pains.

Four days later it became far too painful so I called my doctor and went to see him (he was and still is fantastic and very understanding) he told me there was still 'some' left inside me.

I was taken straight to our local hospital to the ladies ward and had to have a scan done in the maternity unit (which had pregnant ladies), which wasn't very sensitive, they confirmed that 'some' had been left inside me and I would have to have an operation to have it removed - they only do it on fridays so had to wait 5 DAYS!!

All that was going through my head those 5 days was I wonder what part was left inside me, the heart or the hand... was it my baby trying to hold onto me telling me that I shouldn't have done it?

I had the operation and afterwards I still didn't want to go back to work, I had already had three weeks off work (sick) and didn't know what to say to people if they asked what was wrong. So two months later I went back, this was after I had been back to the doctor's to be prescribed prozac for depression - it had got hold of me and if I'm honest it still has.

So everyday, any time a baby cried, laughed, smiled, I saw baby clothes, a person with a baby, or even when my niece was born

I would torture myself thinking what my child would have been like and what life would be like now.

Depression got worse, didn't go into work when I didn't want to as in my head I had an excuse.

My bed was there for me, when it got bad my bed was the only place that I could think about everything.

I was fine for a couple of months (or pretending) then something else would remind me like someone saying I would be a great mum and I just wanted to scream I know and I could have been but it wasn't my time and bang the depression got worse AGAIN

In my mind my child which was growing inside me was a human being, and Lis at Lifeline helped me understand that this is all part of the grieving stage.

To release the grief inside me I thought about whether it was a girl or a boy (this was very very hard) and decided it would be a little girl and then I chose a name for her. I have chosen Daysie and I have told my boyfriend and mum who both know what happened and every time I see a daysie, I see happiness and future as it has made me a very strong person who is very open minded compared to the pre abortion person. (I didn't think abortion was right and I thought if you get yourself in that situation - deal with it)

Bizarre I know but I still think that what I did was the correct choice for myself and my boyfriend who I am still with and our little one daysie.

I had some horrible thoughts before I met with Lis and she made me understand that everyone else who has been in the same situation feels exactly the same - you are not alone, you are not the only person and there are people out there like Lis from Lifeline who actually care and are there for you!

It has been the best and hardest thing I have done since my abortion but again I wouldn't change it for the world - life is great and life is what you make it - some times you fall off the tracks and all you need is someone from Lifeline and they will pop you straight back on there with some guidance.

It is scary but I promise it is really worth it!!