6 years after the abortion I think we're finally over

In May 2005 I found out I was pregnant. Me and my partner had been together for 13 years and had two teenage children. I can remember this time being a very happy time.

We had just bought a new house, we were having a good time with friends and I had just got my entry place for my nursing diploma, life was grand! until I found out I was pregnant.

We both chatted and decided that abortion was the best option.

The scan showed twins

So off we went to the consultation I was feeling sad but feeling that it was the right choice and so was my partner.

Following the scan the abortion adviser told us that the scan showed two babies TWINS.

My heart sank and my partner was distraught. I could see it in his eyes, he was looking at me to say 'lets have the babies' and whilst it crossed my mind, our life at that moment was top.

I was due to take the pill the first part of the process but we were advised due to our reaction to go home and take the weekend to talk about our decision.

At home we talked a little about what we should do. I so wanted to be a nurse and better our lives.

Our new house needed completly renovating, we wouldn't fit all of us in the car. We only had 3 bedrooms the list for abortion seemed overpowering, but I had seen it in his eyes he wanted me to have the twins.

Our relationship was solid we had 100% trust, in fact we were inseperable. I was the one that made the decisions though and that weakness did annoy me but it wasn't a big deal.

I had to work all weekend and although I knew we needed to talk about this I went to work.

That Monday I went and took the pill

As I worked at the hospital and was on shift on that Monday I told my boss I had an appointment and off I went and took that pill

My day went by in a blare and when I got home I saw the question on my partner's face ‘did you or didn't you’?

When I told him I did, I felt like my world had fallen apart. I made that decision, but in my mind all he had to say was ‘don't do it, we will get through together’, but he didn't.

A few days later I went back to the hospital where the abortion was complete

Although deep down I knew my partner hated my decision, he supported my decision, and tried to move on, which we did for a while as we had alot of good things happening in our life.

We never really talked about it, but I often thought back to that day I passed my babies into a bowl. I looked down at them that day and sobbed.

At this time I felt like twins were everywhere it was heartbreaking, and as I knew my partner so well I knew he thought about it each day too.

A year passed and I started my nursing, it was at this point we began talking about the abortion and we both realised that we were hurting. We both agreed to move on and looked forward to passing my nursing and having a little extra money.

My three years training passed by so quickly, but my partner throughout the years showed signs of resenting my nursing and didn't really support me.

At the end of my training to pass I had to do a management day which involved caring for a set of patients alone whilst my assessor watched. Words cannot describe how I felt, the pressure to pass was enormous but in my mind it wasn't for the reasons I applied, but to justify the abortion. I needed to do this it was so important.

My partner at this time had agreed to attend a reunion from his school days, which was fine but it just so happened he was going on the Saturday the weekend of my preparation for my Monday management. He went and all was fine.

On the Sunday I got home after my shift at 21.30 after working 14hours and my partner was on the couch with a hangover, which I expected as for all the years we had been together he had never cared much for going out. I loved going out and dancing but because of our commitment and beliefs of a relationship I went out only once in a blue moon which I was happy with.

My partner never spoke to me that night but I just put it down to his hangover, and I went off to bed as the big day was the next morning.

I remember that night so clearly I tossed and turned and had visions of me looking at my aborted twins

I cried until I eventually fell asleep, my partner didn't know this as he stayed up late that night.

The next morning I awoke as I walked down the stairs I thought 'I bet he has left me a note saying good luck', but he hadn't, maybe he was going to text.

That morning on my drive to my shift I got lots of texts of good luck but they didn't matter I was waiting for my partner's text. This was it I needed this to end the pain of that abortion. It was so important to me and I thought it was to him.

The morning flew by, I sweated, held my tears in and gave a 100% I had never wanted something so bad but the reasons felt wrong.

I got my break and went outside and had a cry whilst texting my partner to remind him what day it was.

The response was shocking, I've blocked it out, but I so wish now I had kept that conversation of our text.

The 12½ hrs passed by and I passed with great relief. When I got home we didn't speak he sat on facebook and I went to bed as I was emotionally drained. I so needed him.

The next day I was off so I checked out face book. Nothing can describe what I discovered and the feelings I felt which I often still visit 6 years on.

Photos showed my partner happy to be in a club this was never the impression, him and all his new found friends were commenting on the photos, saying how my partner was a great laugh.

Then a song was put up on the walls of the reunion from you tube and I felt like I had just been knocked down by a bus. The song was 'we are family'. I can't even discuss this my eyes are pouring.

We eventually had a huge row about it. I told him I just felt that the past years had been a lie and that I felt he did like to go out just not with me. His explanation was I was being pathetic, and we moved on, well tried.

Destruction followed.

I started going out and whilst my intention was never to get pay back I did as when I got drunk all those questions buzzed around in my head. 'How could he?' I thought the abortion hurt him more than it hurt me, so hence I got so drunk and forgot the time and began coming in late.

In our day, clubs shut at 02.00 now it was more 06.00.

Although I knew what it was doing to my partner (suspicions of cheating which I never) it was a release to me. It was at these times I forgot about him destroying what we had, what we believed in.

To cut a long story short 6 years after the abortion, and 2 years since qualifying as a nurse, I think we are finally over

I am now a shadow of my former self, I'm weak and have no confidence, every day is a battle.

In 2009 and 2010 through my going out and being late, mainly the month of the abortion, my partner says I ruined his emotional attachment due to this, (I haven't been out for a year though as I realised what I was doing) he has played mind games with me since, payback he calls it.

He does things suspicious on line, doesn't invite me to his work events, he has text messages from his friend often talking about girls his mate is pulling since being single. He has deleted me and blocks me from his face book.

There is more but I'm crying and I haven't slept for three days. He says I'm paranoid and maybe I am and because of this I'm on the verge of breaking down. 

I am thinking not only did I destroy healthy twins I'm now destroying my live children's life. I just wish I could turn back time.