A surgical abortion due to unplanned pregnancy with a man I found out was married with a pregnant wife

I expected the pregnancy test to be negative

I was in a casual relationship with a bloke. I found out he was married and his wife was expecting a baby too. She was about 12 weeks when I found out I was pregnant.

My period was a week late and it's not unusual for me to be up to a week late. I was at work and I went out during my lunch break and got some pregnancy tests. The digital ones. I don't know why I did it. I didn't have a feeling or anything that something was different.

I went to the toilet at work and did the test. I was expecting it to come up negative and lay it on the floor as I sat there.

I happened to look down and started shaking as the word pregnant 2-3 came up

I put the test in my pocket and immediately phoned the Drs for an appointment. They couldn't give me one until Thursday 10th Dec and this was Monday 30th Nov.

I text my best friend and asked her if she could look up the times at the local family planning clinic. She kept asking me if I thought I was pregnant. Eventually, I said yes. I felt guilty because she's desperate for a baby and has been trying for a few years now.

Referral to Marie Stopes

That evening she came with me to the family planning clinic. I had to do another pregnancy test which confirmed again and I said to her I didn't want to keep it. How could I? I'm not in the best place to right now even though I want kids. I was roughly 4 weeks. We filled out some paperwork and she gave me a referral to Marie Stopes which I had to phone up for an appointment.

I couldn't have a medical abortion due to my asthma meds

On 1st December I phoned up in my morning break and they took a few details and said a nurse will phone me back at 5.20pm for a 20 min consultation.

At 5.20pm the nurse phoned and asked about my background.

I wanted a medical abortion but because of my asthma and the meds I take I wasn't allowed one but could discuss this further when I go for an appointment.

I was given Thursday 3rd.

Rebooked for 2 weeks time

I got to Marie Stopes and only had to wait a couple of minutes. The nurse took my bp and did a finger stick test to see if I was Rhesus + or - I had the good one. She then did a scan. She couldn't see anything because it was 'too early' and rebooked me for 2 weeks time, 17th December.

We also discussed me not having a medical abortion but going for a surgical abortion under local anaesthetic

I am petrified of being put to sleep but if it ever arises again - I'm sure it won't - but I definitely will be having sedation.

The 2 weeks were agonising. It seemed like ever since I took the test I began having pregnancy symptoms. No sickness though, just nausea, tiredness, and everything else.

The appointment

My appointment was 9.30 am on the 17th. I got there at 9.15 and was called in straight away. The nurse did my bp and it was extremely high. She did a scan and put me at 7 weeks which is what my LMP dates were.

She asked me if I still wanted to go ahead and if I had thought about contraception. I chose a copper implant which was inserted at the same time as the abortion.

I went downstairs to the treatment waiting room. I didn't have to wait long. There were 3 girls in front of me.

I went into the main room which was the recovery room. I signed the paperwork and was shown to my lounger which was closest to the treatment room door. There was no privacy at all in there and there were 6 loungers. 3 one side and 3 another. I think we all knew why each other was there and it didn't feel uncomfortable at all.

I was sat there a matter of minutes when I was told to take my shoes off and the nurse went into the room and then came back for me.

We entered a tiny room which was just big enough for the two of us and a pile of blankets. I stopped after the first door and I had to hang my trousers and knickers on a hook and wrap myself in a blanket type thing. I entered the room and had to lie on the couch with my legs up in the stirrup type things. There was a bowl which I presume was to catch everything in.

The dr opened me up with a speculum and that just hurt in itself. Then I felt a bit of pain which quickly stopped. I'm not sure at which point I had the local if I had any at all. The nurse put a heat pack on my belly. Then it felt like something was being shoved in and out of me and the pain was excruciating, which I think was just the suction.

I started crying it hurt so much and the nurse did my bp and put one of those things on my finger that monitors pulse rate. Dr told me when the 'pregnancy was out'. The suction stopped and then he said he had to do a bit more. And counted down from 10 as it was so painful.

After the procedure

He then put in a copper IUD which I didn't feel because I still hurt. The nurse gave me a Lucozade tablet to suck on. Then she went out to get my clothes. She put a pad in my knickers then got me dressed. I slowly got up and she helped me back out to my lounger. I was shaking so much and still had a few tears from the pain.

It was a bit of a production line and we were going in one after another. But there were 5 of us in total. 2 more went in after me. Although they were all having sedation.

The nurse came straight over to do my BP then I had some paracetamol, a cup of tea and some biscuits.

I was in there for a total of an hour. I was given some antibiotics to take as well. 4 tablets in one go.

There wasn't a lot of bleeding either. And not much pain until the Saturday when I got some cramping.

Although nothing was as bad as the Sunday.

But it all pretty much disappeared once I'd passed a couple of big clots.

I felt relieved and wondered what I could have given it

Bleeding was still minimal and I still have a slightly tender belly. I felt relieved and kept wondering what I could have given it. A single mother, with a dad who probably won't want anything to do with it because he's married with a pregnant wife already.

It wasn't until a couple of months later that what I did really hit me

I realised deep down that I did really want that baby. But it was all the wrong circumstances.

I fell into depression and began hating myself for what I did and hating everyone who was involved.

I have recently begun 'The Journey' so hopefully, I can gain some tools to overcome this.

I wanted to mark this short little life with something. And I hope she forgives me. You kind of get this 'instinct' of whether it was a girl or a boy I think.

If circumstances were different I'd have kept her for sure. I've given her a name. Something which can be for a boy or a girl just in case. Even though I'm sure she was a girl. And I'll treasure her forever. I made up a memory box for her and in it, I have my notes from the termination, my scan pictures of her, a little blanket and a couple of letters I wrote to her.