A surgical abortion after a failed vasectomy

Well where do I start - this has been a very long and still upseting journey for me.

I decided on a surgical abortion. I am happily married with two children: daughter 14 - son 5. I have been with my husband for 18 years. My husband and I both decided after our son that we did not want any more children and both talked about being sterilised.

My husband thought I had been through enough [2 sections] so said he would have a vasectomy, which he had done in early 07. He did 3 sperm samples like they ask at the beginning and all came back clear.

We felt relieved that finally we were complete as a family and our sex life was great no more worries about falling pregnant, how wrong were we!!!!

A failed vasectomy

I did a pregnancy test [May 10] as I was a week overdue and had a metallic taste in my mouth. My husband was out at the time and I suppose I just thought it was going to come back negative - well it was positive.

I just went to pieces, what if my husband thought I had been unfaithful. I told my husband what had happened re the pregnancy test and he was fantastic - I said straight away I did not want another baby.

I went to the doctors and asked about abortion to which the doctor asked "have you been with anyone else as this is very uncommon?". I was given a form for a clinic to arrange an abortion. I contacted the clinic and was booked in that week.

I was shocked at how busy it was at the clinic. We had several procedures to go through and then went to a room with a consultant who did an abdomen scan.

He was also shocked that my husband had a vasectomy, yet I was sat here saying I was pregnant. He sent me to do another urine sample which he tested and it came back positive [this was test number 4]. I then hopped onto the couch and he looked confused as he could not see anything.

I then went into another room for a vaginal scan and still nothing, so was sent away for a further two weeks.

You are pregnant 7+5 with a healthy heartbeat

I was sent for a scan at the EPU by my doctor as he was concerned it was ectopic. I had told the lady at the unit my circumstances and was sent into a room to have another vaginal scan - the lady said to me yes you are pregnant your dates are spot on 7 +5 with a healthy heartbeat.

I just cried and cried, she then asked would you like to see, my response was no. I came away feeling the most cruelest person in the world.

I started to get morning sickness and was feeling yuck and my breasts were so tender. I would cry everyday but thankfully had the support of my husband. We went to the clinic on a Saturday and was sent straight into a room for another scan.

The consultant said yes it was now showing and a normal pregnancy 6 +6. I was numb and my husband had tears, the consultant said we were both quiet [sorry for not jumping for joy] and were we sure of our decision. I looked at my husband in the hope he was going to say "lets get out of here" but he didn't so I said "yes". We were then sent to another area and just sat cuddling each other.

I was then called into another area with 3 other women and had to say goodbye to my husband. I sat waiting for probably 15 mins before being called into another room. I was shown to a cubicle and told to strip from the bottom and put a sarong around me and then to have a wee.

I did the sarong and went into the toilet where I sobbed - I looked down at my tummy and told my baby that I loved it and was so sorry that I had to do this and I was not a cruel person.

I went back into the cubicle to wait and then was called into theatre. The nurse told me to get on the couch, the two surgeons introduced themselves to me and one of them put a canular into my arm. I was asked several questions.

When it went quiet I kept saying to myself just get up and walk out, tell them you have changed your mind, but I was worried what my husband would say as he seemed adamant that we were not in a situation to have any more. The consultant said I would feel sleepy and then I woke up with someone saying my name in the waiting area.

I was given a warm pack to put over my tummy and some paracetamol, within 5 mins I was up getting changed. I had to have a biscuit and drink before they would let me leave.

I was given a talk about how would I avoid any further pregnancies - I honestly thought my husband having a vasectomy would of sorted that. I saw my husband down in the waiting area and just cried. I no longer had the sickness feeling but my breasts were still tender. I did not bleed straight away, this happened on the 3rd day.

I hate myself for getting rid of our baby

I have not coped very well and have been to see my doctor who told me everything I was feeling is normal, however if I was still like it in a week to go back.

I have an appointment for next week and hopefully will be referred for counselling. The procedure itself was fine but the guilt and emotions I am having to deal with are not. I keep getting flashbacks, crying, angry and hate myself for getting rid of our baby.

I keep asking myself why was this baby different to the two we already have. My children would of had a brother or sister and I have taken that away from them.

I did not have a one night stand, this was a loving relationship so why did we go through with the abortion. I also keep thinking how far along was I when the abortion was done 8+2 or 6+6...

My husband had his results back from the doctor, it was a failed vasectomy, the failure rate is 1 in 2000 - we were that unlucky 1.

I am going for a consultation next week to be sterilised. Please be 100% that an abortion is right for you because you can not change it once it has happened.

Thinking of you all who have been through an abortion, it is a hard decision to make.